Monday, February 26, 2007

we finally have an answer...

...and I'm so sad. We went to the doctor today. He had reviewed the ultrasounds from Friday, and was still unable to find anything in my uterus. He said that the HCG (quant) came back considerably higher, but hadn't doubled. My heart sank as I was beginning to think he was going to send us away once again... (only to have to repeat the series of tests in another 48 hours). Thankfully though, the ultrasound tech had seen us in the waiting room and decided to hang around a little later than usual (suspecting that the Dr. would want another ultrasound done). She checked my uterus and both ovaries and still could not find anything. So she continued searching...
(You know, throughout this entire week I've been preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the worst...but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw today.) There on the monitor was a tiny "bean" shaped being with a perfect little heartbeat. I blurted out to the tech, "wait, did you see that? Was that a heartbeat"? And she zoomed in on it and said "yes, that right there is what we've been looking for". I then asked her where it was at (still hoping that it might have been in the uterus); and she said "it's not where it should be, let me go get the doctor". As soon as she left the room, my eyes welled with tears as my whole world came down. But wait, that was our baby. But, I saw the little heart. But, isn't there anything anyone can do to save this pregnancy?
Dr. Semrad came in and affirmed that it was indeed a tubal pregnancy (implanted in my left fallopian tube). The cysts I have on each ovary, could just be a build up of hormones trying to maintain a pregnancy. He was pretty confident that once the baby is removed, the cysts will go away on their own. We also found out that a heartbeat won't show up (on ultrasound) until at least 6 weeks, making my assumption (of how far along I am) correct.
I have to go in tomorrow morning at 5:30 to have my baby removed, which will result in the termination of this six week+ pregnancy. Although, I am extremely emotional in this moment, I am calm. I received a beautiful blessing from John and Rob. I not only felt the spirit, but an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father. I am in his hands, and I am at peace.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

myriad blessings

Despite the agonizing events of this past week, I cannot forget the bounteous blessings from the Lord. As my dad reminded me in his email, I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing Husband, and countless people who love me. This love has truly been demonstrated this week through the many acts of kindness offered in our behalf...from the meals, to the cards, to the cakes, to the cookies, to the flowers. We have had countless phone calls and visitors as well...not to mention those who have watched Ruby for us. I am so thankful to be a member of the Lord's Church, and to be so privileged to know, and associate with so many outstanding people. My heart is full...




Flowers delivered by the two lovely ladies that serve with me in YW

Saturday, February 24, 2007

our little doll

To me, the title says it just perfectly...


So happy waking up from her nap...


...and look at her bed head.




John giving her water from a straw. She was lovin' it...her mouth gaping every time.




So pretty!




I just love her!



Just after her bath...look at those teeth!




She always makes this face...so weird/funny/cute!

dinner with ruby and george...


Thursday night we went out to dinner (at Applebees) with George and Ruby Hovden. John and I went to pick them up, and they got the biggest kick out of the fact that we drive the same car as they do (even the same year). On the drive over to the restaurant, we told them that we have a nephew just older than Ruby, named George. They couldn't believe it! At the restaurant, we all ordered the same things; each couple had an Oriental Chicken Salad, Ruby and I both ordered Root Beer, and the guys drank water. Quite an evening...full of coincidences! (Not to mention the way in which we met, which was a total coincidence in and of itself. How often do you have someone come right up to you and ask what your baby's name is? And when you tell her, she gasps, because that's her name too?! So Funny.)
We had a great evening, talking, laughing, and getting to know one another. It's fun to have friends that have so much life experience (they're both 87 years old). Ruby said that we should do an ad for Walmart...Come and make new friends (of all ages)...at Walmart.
I thought that was cute!

Friday, February 23, 2007

comments... anyone?

After spending an entire day on the couch, in front of the computer (I don't feel too guilty because I'm following the Dr's orders to stay down), I'm happy to say that my blog is restored...(well, so close). I was able to replace everything except all the lovely comments (which makes me so sad)...
Therefore, I'm asking my readers (I know there are at least two of you) to keep those comments coming; as they never fail to put a smile on my face...

and a twinkle in my eye! (ha ha)

update...but not really

We went in for another ultrasound today, which was a strange experience (to say the least). I'm not sure that the sonographer saw anything in my uterus the first time around, so she did a transvaginal ultrasound. Throughout the exam she never once told us what she was doing, and was extremely vague when we did ask her questions. I realize that without the doctor being there, she couldn't tell us anything...I just wish the doctor had been there (rather than in surgery). They also did another HCG test before (once again), sending us away unenlightened. When we got home, we recieved a phone call from the receptionist asking us to come in again on Monday to see the doctor, and to repeat the HCG (for the 5th time). I had a feeling this was going to happen. I guess we're in for another long, nerve-racking weekend...

Thursday, February 22, 2007

YESSSS!

Okay, so I may be a little "blog" happy today, but this is definitely worth posting! If you notice in the "archive" section (in my sidebar), there is a post from January! After I accidentally deleted my blog, a small miracle occurred. I was shutting down the computer to go to bed, when I realized there was a window open displaying my blog...in it's entirety. I knew that it had indeed been deleted from the server, but, fortunately the window was still open; and, I was able to copy and paste the contents into a word document before closing it and shutting down. Over the next several days/weeks, I will be re posting these entries. (I even found a way to change the date, back to the time and date of the original post!) This will surely be a lengthy process, but well worth the time and effort it will take.
I owe this small miracle to none other than my Heavenly Father...(surely another of his sweet and tender mercies in my behalf)...

my dad...

I have to say that my Dad has got to be the most in tune (with the Spirit) of all the people I have ever known. Because he is so sensitive to spiritual things, he always knows what to say, and when to say it. He lives his life in such a way that the Lord is able to use him as an instrument in blessing the lives of others. That said, I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. My heart literally ached, not only because of all the "unknowns" connected with this pregnancy, but, also because of the loss of my blog (which I have literally spent hours and hours constructing).
As soon as I showered and got myself ready, I turned on the computer, signed into Yahoo, opened up my email, and THIS is what I found...

(hope you don't mind dad...)


Pardon my "French" (in the subject line), Sweetheart, but life just seems to be coming at you in waves these past few days.

Just a couple of thoughts for you:

1) Count your blessings. Despite a probable miscarriage, look at your precious baby! Think about your wonderful husband. Remember your Father in Heaven who loves you so much that He sent His Son to feel your pain and to know how to succor you. (With this last thought in mind, ask Him to do so, and do not resist His Spirit - let yourself be succored.)

2) Realize that your blog is still special. Most of us do not have one, so you are choosing a unique path for journaling that is very cool. Don't give up on it! Keep doing it. Remember that it is still quite new, so, not a very lot was lost. Start again. You can probably find a way to print out your blog entries periodically so you have a hard copy of it (which is what will survive a hundred or so years from now for your great grandchildren to read, and to enjoy the pictures).

3) Remember that "...there must needs be opposition in all things...". Could it be that Lehi's inspired comment could even take in the opposition of the adversary to a valiant young woman who is trying to follow the prophets' directions to keep journals? (Could he be behind the theft of your mission journals and the loss or your blog entries? I have no doubt.) Remember that President Faust teaches us that he (the adversary) is a coward. If we continue to resist him, he will give up and leave us alone for a while. And, our Father will not let him trouble us more than we can bear.

4) Remember the example of your mother. She experienced a lot of similar trials (similar to yours) as a young, and then middle-aged, wife and mother, and she always met such adversity with a cheerful outlook. (Wow! I still marvel at her resilience!) Her example has helped me do better at doing the same thing.

5) Finally, remember that you are well loved! I LOVE you. Your husband and baby love you. Myriad heavenly and spirit beings love you. And myriad other earthly beings do, too!

So, Doll, please do not be too down. More smiles are just around the corner.

Love,

Your Dad



(See what I mean? Isn't he something else?) I know that my Dad was inspired to write these words, as they were just what I needed to make it through my morning of anguish. I know that "more smiles ARE just around the corner", and that the Lord IS there to comfort me, I simply need to allow him to do his job.

Thank you, Dad, for your beautiful thoughts...I love you!

no answers

My test results came back, and strangely enough, the levels have increased (but not doubled)...leaving me, John, and the doctor dumbfounded. He wants us back tomorrow for another ultrasound; and, being that almost a week has passed since the last one (giving more time for the pregnancy to progress), we should really be able to pinpoint the problem. The Doctor said that the increase of hormone detected, indicates either a) that the pregnancy is tubal or b) that it's where it's supposed to be, but won't likely be a good pregnancy. (i.e. will result in miscarriage as the weeks progress, etc.) I asked him if it was at all likely that I already had the miscarriage (because of the pain and bleeding from Saturday), and he said not to discount the idea...the placenta (which releases the pregnancy hormone) could still be attached along with some tissue. We left, I had a good cry, and John took me to Bajio (my favorite place for lunch). I'm at home now. Ruby is asleep. I feel sad, scared, confused, and emotionally exhausted. Oh, and my hormones are going crazy. More to come (hopefully) tomorrow...
ps. After running dates and numbers (over and over) in my head, I figured out that I'm probably 6 weeks along.

i'm sick

I feel just about as sick now as I did when my mission journals got stolen in the Mar de ajo train station...
Everything I've done on this blog for the past two months has been deleted, and there is absolutely no way to restore it...
I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

we still don't know much...

After a morning filled with much anxiety and anticipation, we finally received a call from the doctor's office. The results from the "quant" test came back from the lab, and they're just slightly lower than those taken on Saturday at the hospital. They didn't have any explanation for us, they just want us to come back for the same test tomorrow. They said that because the two tests were taken and processed in different labs, the results may be off. They want to do one more in their own lab so that they can make an accurate assessment. Because the levels haven't doubled, I'm losing hope of the chance that this pregnancy is normal. I think that I must've already miscarried...
I'm glad that the doctor is being ultra conservative, but this has just been so long and drawn out. I just want to know exactly what is going on, and have some closure...so I can move on with my life.

Monday, February 19, 2007

24 hours later...

I had my appointment today with DR. Semrad. Unfortunately, we didn't get much closer to finding anything out. They drew some blood to take an HCG test, but won't have any of the results for us until tomorrow morning. The doctor examined me and put pressure on my abdomen (which by the way, has not been at all painful, or even tender today). He told me that if the pregnancy was in fact tubal, I would be experiencing intense, localized pain...especially from the added pressure. His guess is that I have probably already miscarried, and that the growth found in my ovary, is a cyst...which would eventually go away on it's own. Of course, we won't really know until tomorrow. The doctor explained that if the HCG level has doubled from Saturday, we will have reason to suppose that the pregnancy is in the uterus and that everything is normal. If the count is higher, but hasn't doubled, it could mean an ectopic. And, if the count is the same or lower, I've probably already had a miscarriage. (It takes some time for the hormone levels to diminish after a pregnancy is terminated.)
So here we are, 24 hours since the last post, without any new developments. We so badly want this baby, but will continue to put our trust in the Lord, as we know he will not fail us. Whatever happens, we know, is meant to be...

Sunday, February 18, 2007

our weekend...

Occasionally, I enjoy getting out my old journals and reading/reminiscing about some of my life's experiences. Upon doing so, I've realized that I only seem to record the good things that happen to me. It's hard and painful to write about trials, adversity, the loss of loved ones, etc. However, now that some of the pain (caused by these trials) has lifted, I only wish that I was able to go back, and read about the details of these events, my thoughts, my feelings...
Having said that, I convinced myself that (even though this may be difficult/painful), I need to record the events of the past few days. So here goes...
The last couple of weeks I've been experiencing some pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't until yesterday morning, however, that it became almost too much to bear. Every five minutes or so, I experienced a pain that felt much like a labor contraction, and would last a couple of minutes. After going to the restroom and seeing blood, I figured that it was probably just my period, (the first one since Ruby was born). The more I thought about it though, I became more and more confused about these contraction-like pains, (which were very different from typical menstrual cramps). It finally occurred to me that I might actually be pregnant and possibly experiencing a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test, which confirmed that my feelings were accurate, the result was positive. Suddenly, I felt so many emotions. Surprised. We hadn't even discussed trying for another child just yet. Nervous. Am I ready to be a mom again? Sad. But is my body really trying to expel this pregnancy? Confused. I've never had a miscarriage, what am I going to be experiencing/feeling over the the next few hours, days, weeks, and months. Scared. What if it's something else...more serious...like cancer.
John called DR. Porter (my perinatologist with Ruby) to ask what he would advise us to do. He didn't answer. We left a message. We then called a local OB/Gyn and explained to him what was going on. He advised me to stay in for the weekend and take it easy; he told us that on Monday we could reassess the situation. I felt uneasy about this counsel. John gave me a blessing of peace and comfort. I was told that the Lord is very aware of my situation, that he has a plan for each member of our family, and that this is in his hands. I felt so comforted and knew that we would be prompted to know exactly what we needed to do. Shortly after, DR. Porter called, and upon learning of my symptoms, told us to go straight to the hospital. He thought (based on the symptoms), that it could be a tubal pregnancy, which could cause infertility, and even be life threatening. After spending 6 hours in the emergency room; and undergoing various tests, and several ultrasounds... this is what they determined:
1) I am pregnant.
2) They are not certain that the pregnancy is located in the Uterus...which indicates the possibility of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.
3) Some of the symptoms I have been experiencing, such as the abdominal pain and the vaginal bleeding, also suggest that I may have an ectopic pregnancy.
4)My ultrasound did not show a pregnancy in the uterus, which means there are two possibilities:
-first (and most common), the pregnancy is less than 5 weeks, and is too small to be seen by the ultrasound.
-second, the pregnancy is not located in the uterus, but in the tubes.
5)The ultrasound also indicated that there is something on my left ovary, but whether it's actually the fetus, or an ovarian cyst, is yet to be determined.

They sent us home with instructions to call the OB/Gyn first thing Monday morning. The HCG "quant" blood test will indicate the level of the pregnancy hormone found and roughly the size of the baby. If the count has doubled in 48 hours (it was at 3,500 yesterday), chances are the pregnancy is normal. However, if the count has decreased, it's a good sign that I've either already miscarried, or that sure enough, the pregnancy is tubal.

So, here I am, sitting on the couch, wondering what is happening to me and why. My life is temporarily on hold until we can get some answers; and, this whirlwind of emotions is almost too much to bear. It is comforting to know that there are a lot of people praying for us. (We have a great family support system.) I also take comfort in the blessing that I received. I know that the Lord is mindful of "little" me and that he will not leave me comfortless. He never has...and he never will.

I know, that was a lot! But it's really just for me. Chances are, months (or even years) from now, I will want to know the details of this event and the feelings and emotions that I experienced. I think I will be grateful that it's recorded.
For anyone else that may be interested, I will continue to post, as the events of the next few days unfold...

Friday, February 16, 2007

fun at the park


Audry, Amy, Julie, and Ella on the tire swing



Ruby with her notorious expression..."Uh...what's going on? Where am I? Who are you"?



Just as relaxed as ever in her bike trailer



Anna doing "snow angels"...in the sand?! I think she's been in Utah too long...



Karen and Billy are in town for a few days. Last night we met up at the park so that all the cousins could play (with the dads)...and all the sisters could chat! Fun, Fun, Fun!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

dinner by candlelight



John is just amazing...that's all I can say! This day has been full of surprises... from taking me to my favorite lunch place, to this wonderful candlelight dinner, to the sweet card that was left on my pillow...
I love you John...and I think you've given me a reason to love Valentine's Day!




the card I made for John






today's project...and my flowers from John






I thought I'd throw in one from last year...(I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with Ruby)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

it's valentine's day...


Why don't they make them like this anymore?...these are so sweet!





As a child, Valentine's Day was one of my favorites. I loved picking out my Valentine's cards and carefully selecting which one would go to whom. I loved creating my Valentine's box, reading (and eating) those cute little conservation hearts, class parties, decorating sugar cookies, and making sure I was dressed in red...
Mostly I loved how Mom and Dad would always leave gifts on the front porch...and then ring the doorbell and run. Valentine's Day as a kid was the best. As I've gotten older, however, I've realized that it's rarely what it's cracked up to be...just super overrated and kind of silly. Why should one wait for a dumb/made-up holiday to demonstrate their love for the special people in their life? I even convinced John (a few years ago) that he didn't need to take me out anymore on Valentine's Day... only to avoid the hordes of people and the ridiculously long lines. Despite my ranting, John has been a complete sweetheart. He surprised me last night by taking me to Outback (one of my favorites), and this morning he cheered me with some beautiful flowers and TiVo (I did not see that one coming)! Needless to say, I felt pretty ridiculous handing him a sorry bag of chocolates...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

these two...

I had my camera with me yesterday, and was finally able to get a photo of these two "rubies"...






i miss her...

Yesterday I took Ruby on a walk to visit Ruby Hovden (the cute little lady that we met at Walmart last month). She had been dying for her husband George to meet “Little Ruby”, and since the weather was so nice, I decided it would be a good time to pay them a visit. They live in a retirement community (just north of us) that I had driven by several times, but never (before yesterday) had any reason to go in. I had to walk several blocks through the community before I arrived at the Hovden home, and as I did, this sensation came over me that I can hardly describe. The familiar ambiance took me back to my childhood…my childhood with my Grandma Pitts. Sadly, I only have a handful of memories of Grandma, and most of them were created during a family vacation we took to visit her. Grandma lived in a retirement community (in Phoenix) very similar to the one I was strolling through; and yesterday, as I strolled along, my mind wandered back to that vacation…so many years ago. I remember going to her pool with my brothers (and grandma of course), and seeing her in a swim cap doing laps across the pool. I remember her taking us to meet her friends and bragging about us the entire time. I remember feeling embarrassed at the restaurant as Grandma gave orders to our server. I remember that her house was immaculate…and had the aroma of coffee. (To this day, I love the smell of coffee…it makes me think of her).
I remember taking a stroll on her bike with the basket, and I remember her huge grapefruit tree...
I remember her beautifully manicured nails and her amazing shoe collection (my love for shoes must be inherited). I remember her bright smile, and her “root beer” hair, and her Saturday morning phone calls, and the tone in her voice as she always asked “how are you?”…
She’s been gone for more than fifteen years now and I really miss her…

Monday, February 12, 2007

"please" and "thank you"...

John and I had the opportunity of spending the weekend with the Costello kids while Lori and Joe celebrated their Birthdays in Vegas. I have to say that those kids are a hoot! Not only are they hilarious(their silly/funny/profound comments had me rolling all weekend), but they are also so well behaved. Even their youngest, James (3 years), would politely ask, "Aunt Nicole, can I please have some milk in my sippy cup?" and when I would give it to him, he would always say "thank you Aunt Nicole". They never failed to thank me for any little/big thing that I did for them. I thought the cutest ever was when I put some Eggo's in the toaster for John, and little Amy ran over and whispered in his ear, "Uncle John, Aunt Nicole is making some waffles for you...what do you tell her"? (John made a big deal of thanking me after that cute little reminder.) I realized, after being with these sweet kids all weekend, how important it is (to me) that my kid's are equally as polite. I think that the true test is to leave them with someone else and see if they remember (and put into practice) everything they've been taught. Well, Lori and Joe passed the test...their kid's were absolute Angels!




James, Julie, Amy, and Ruby




James being so sweet with Ruby




Karen, Michael, Joseph, and John rode their bikes to the orange stand to get some sodas and candy.

Meanwhile...



I stayed home and baked sugar cookies with the three youngest. They had a blast frosting and decorating their own cookies!


Thursday, February 8, 2007

sunny day...

I took Ruby on a walk today...it was so nice to be able to get out and enjoy the sunshine (and the 80 degree weather). Ruby was so calm and subdued as the gentle breeze would occasionally blow her little hat back. She was just soaking it all up...the scenery, the nature, the wind and sun, the cars that would pass...
We ended up at John's office where we enjoyed some lunch together and visited with Daddy and Grandpa Jerry. Such a perfect afternoon...




crazy doo

John and I were dying over her hair this morning...




Wednesday, February 7, 2007

look how sweet...

I was finally able to see some pictures of sweet little Charlie...




Tuesday, February 6, 2007

baby charlie...

My sister-in-law Amy had her baby today. It's their 2nd, a boy, and his name is Charles. I don't have any details about his birth...except that he weighs 8 pounds. I'm going crazy because I'm the type that has to know every detail about everything...sadly, I'm out of the loop on most everything! I guess (in this case), the details aren't all that important...I'm just so happy that my little nephew is finally here and that his mommy is doing ok. I'm thrilled for Paul and Amy and want to congratulate them. I can think of nothing sweeter than holding your precious little one just moments after he's entered this mortal existence...the veil is so thin and the spirit is so prevalent. Welcome Little Baby Charlie...

a few more from today...



uh oh...

Ruby is so so close to being able to crawl...in fact, I predict that in just a matter of days, she'll be taking off. She's really good at getting what she wants by rolling or scooting (backwards), she just hasn't mastered the crawl yet. Today, I could sense her frustration as she scooted her way underneath this bench, and got tangled up in the plant...bless her little heart!





Sunday, February 4, 2007

@#$%!!!

I can't believe I neglected to write about the run in I had Yesterday with this guy!



Well, not this exact one...but with one like it! I had heard about people finding scorpions in their homes, but John had assured me when we moved in, that I didn't have anything to worry about, (as there hadn't been any known sitings in our neighborhood). Well, yesterday when I went to the kitchen...guess what I found chillin' in my sink...? Oh my gosh, all I could do was run away, screaming for John. He came to the rescue with a shoe in his hand and took care of our little intruder. I have seriously been so freaked out ever since...tip-toeing around the house, checking my shoes before I put them on, looking behind pillows and inside the sheets before I climb into bed, literally shrieking every time I feel anythything brush past me...
How does one prevent scorpions from invading?...any suggestions? PLEASE HELP...I can't even function in my own house!

8 months...

My Baby is 8 months old today! I can't even believe it's been that long, but then again, I can't believe that just less than a year ago, it was only me and John. What was our life even like before her? ...I can't remember...nor can I imagine our life now without her.
I love you little one...Happy 8 months!




Sleeping peacefully...with buns in the air!




Sharing secrets with Daddy.




Our Little Family enjoying lunch at Red Robin




Starting to stand...with props of course!