Monday, February 26, 2007

we finally have an answer...

...and I'm so sad. We went to the doctor today. He had reviewed the ultrasounds from Friday, and was still unable to find anything in my uterus. He said that the HCG (quant) came back considerably higher, but hadn't doubled. My heart sank as I was beginning to think he was going to send us away once again... (only to have to repeat the series of tests in another 48 hours). Thankfully though, the ultrasound tech had seen us in the waiting room and decided to hang around a little later than usual (suspecting that the Dr. would want another ultrasound done). She checked my uterus and both ovaries and still could not find anything. So she continued searching...
(You know, throughout this entire week I've been preparing myself mentally and emotionally for the worst...but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw today.) There on the monitor was a tiny "bean" shaped being with a perfect little heartbeat. I blurted out to the tech, "wait, did you see that? Was that a heartbeat"? And she zoomed in on it and said "yes, that right there is what we've been looking for". I then asked her where it was at (still hoping that it might have been in the uterus); and she said "it's not where it should be, let me go get the doctor". As soon as she left the room, my eyes welled with tears as my whole world came down. But wait, that was our baby. But, I saw the little heart. But, isn't there anything anyone can do to save this pregnancy?
Dr. Semrad came in and affirmed that it was indeed a tubal pregnancy (implanted in my left fallopian tube). The cysts I have on each ovary, could just be a build up of hormones trying to maintain a pregnancy. He was pretty confident that once the baby is removed, the cysts will go away on their own. We also found out that a heartbeat won't show up (on ultrasound) until at least 6 weeks, making my assumption (of how far along I am) correct.
I have to go in tomorrow morning at 5:30 to have my baby removed, which will result in the termination of this six week+ pregnancy. Although, I am extremely emotional in this moment, I am calm. I received a beautiful blessing from John and Rob. I not only felt the spirit, but an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father. I am in his hands, and I am at peace.

8 comments:

Amy said...

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you today.

Dad said...

Nic,

This is a beautiful entry that will be very important to your children and grandchildren, and I know how hard it must be for you to write these things when your heart is breaking. As I have told you, I've never been able to write about your mom's illness and death. I admire your courage and I pray that Father will pour out His Comfort upon you. I love you.

Rob said...

Many are praying for you Nicole, and I hope you can feel that. Our family would like to adopt Ruby for the week.

Anonymous said...

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

judy said...

Nicole, I wish that I could have been there with you and John to help at this time. You are a strength to all of us. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over your family. I love you, Judy

judy said...

Nicole, I am so glad that you feel better today. Maybe you will be a little stronger each day. I talked to Ruby on the phone. Joseph anwered and she was right there with him. She laughed when I talked to her. I KNOW she understood every word I said. I love you, Judy

Cherie said...

John and Nicole,I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. That's a lot of emotional stress and worry for days.I wish you hadn't seen the heartbeat, that's just devastating. How sad for you.I hope you can spend some time all together as family. Things will get better. Love you, Cherie

Scarlett Baker said...

You my dear are a beautiful.... beautiful mother. You are a very strong woman. Goood Luck sweet Nicole. We all love you very much.