Occasionally, I enjoy getting out my old journals and reading/reminiscing about some of my life's experiences. Upon doing so, I've realized that I only seem to record the good things that happen to me. It's hard and painful to write about trials, adversity, the loss of loved ones, etc. However, now that some of the pain (caused by these trials) has lifted, I only wish that I was able to go back, and read about the details of these events, my thoughts, my feelings...
Having said that, I convinced myself that (even though this may be difficult/painful), I need to record the events of the past few days. So here goes...
The last couple of weeks I've been experiencing some pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't until yesterday morning, however, that it became almost too much to bear. Every five minutes or so, I experienced a pain that felt much like a labor contraction, and would last a couple of minutes. After going to the restroom and seeing blood, I figured that it was probably just my period, (the first one since Ruby was born). The more I thought about it though, I became more and more confused about these contraction-like pains, (which were very different from typical menstrual cramps). It finally occurred to me that I might actually be pregnant and possibly experiencing a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test, which confirmed that my feelings were accurate, the result was positive. Suddenly, I felt so many emotions. Surprised. We hadn't even discussed trying for another child just yet. Nervous. Am I ready to be a mom again? Sad. But is my body really trying to expel this pregnancy? Confused. I've never had a miscarriage, what am I going to be experiencing/feeling over the the next few hours, days, weeks, and months. Scared. What if it's something else...more serious...like cancer.
John called DR. Porter (my perinatologist with Ruby) to ask what he would advise us to do. He didn't answer. We left a message. We then called a local OB/Gyn and explained to him what was going on. He advised me to stay in for the weekend and take it easy; he told us that on Monday we could reassess the situation. I felt uneasy about this counsel. John gave me a blessing of peace and comfort. I was told that the Lord is very aware of my situation, that he has a plan for each member of our family, and that this is in his hands. I felt so comforted and knew that we would be prompted to know exactly what we needed to do. Shortly after, DR. Porter called, and upon learning of my symptoms, told us to go straight to the hospital. He thought (based on the symptoms), that it could be a tubal pregnancy, which could cause infertility, and even be life threatening. After spending 6 hours in the emergency room; and undergoing various tests, and several ultrasounds... this is what they determined:
1) I am pregnant.
2) They are not certain that the pregnancy is located in the Uterus...which indicates the possibility of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.
3) Some of the symptoms I have been experiencing, such as the abdominal pain and the vaginal bleeding, also suggest that I may have an ectopic pregnancy.
4)My ultrasound did not show a pregnancy in the uterus, which means there are two possibilities:
-first (and most common), the pregnancy is less than 5 weeks, and is too small to be seen by the ultrasound.
-second, the pregnancy is not located in the uterus, but in the tubes.
5)The ultrasound also indicated that there is something on my left ovary, but whether it's actually the fetus, or an ovarian cyst, is yet to be determined.
They sent us home with instructions to call the OB/Gyn first thing Monday morning. The HCG "quant" blood test will indicate the level of the pregnancy hormone found and roughly the size of the baby. If the count has doubled in 48 hours (it was at 3,500 yesterday), chances are the pregnancy is normal. However, if the count has decreased, it's a good sign that I've either already miscarried, or that sure enough, the pregnancy is tubal.
So, here I am, sitting on the couch, wondering what is happening to me and why. My life is temporarily on hold until we can get some answers; and, this whirlwind of emotions is almost too much to bear. It is comforting to know that there are a lot of people praying for us. (We have a great family support system.) I also take comfort in the blessing that I received. I know that the Lord is mindful of "little" me and that he will not leave me comfortless. He never has...and he never will.
I know, that was a lot! But it's really just for me. Chances are, months (or even years) from now, I will want to know the details of this event and the feelings and emotions that I experienced. I think I will be grateful that it's recorded.
For anyone else that may be interested, I will continue to post, as the events of the next few days unfold...
