Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
we find one of these little creeps somewhere in our house...
I made Ruby stand by him (but not too close) to make sure he didn't get away from us,
Posted by nicole at 6:41 PM
Friday, November 12, 2010
A lot can happen (or change) in a year.
ps. Go to shunthesun.org to see our picture...hurry before they re-design the page, and we'll be gone forever.
Posted by nicole at 8:52 PM
Monday, November 8, 2010
I was actually scheduled to get it done last week, but on the drive home from my Dr's appointment, I got a sick feeling inside.
It wasn't really about the procedure at all, but had everything to do with the Dr. who would be performing it.
She was so rude to me. So completely insensitive.
She questioned and challenged me as to why I didn't take the cytotec (the pill to induce miscarriage) which they had prescribed me the day before.
I explained to her that I had already been through enough emotionally with this whole ordeal; and that I just didn't want to have to experience any more undue pain - emotional or physical. (I know there's no baby in there, but I am 13 weeks pregnant. My Uterus is enlarged, the gestational sac is big. I can only imagine the amount of blood and tissue that I would be passing, and therefore having to look at. Not to mention the severe cramping and pain that she had warned me about).
I told her that I really just wanted to go to sleep, and wake up, and know that it was done.
Just like that.
She seemed to almost mock me for my cowardice.
I felt crushed afterwards.
Crushed and sick inside.
I called John on the phone and he asked why we were even going to her.
At that point I just wanted it to be over with...even if it meant having that heartless woman take care of it.
I hung up with John, and headed for home.
It wasn't until I was stopped at a stoplight, that I finally came to my senses.
She clearly doesn't have my best interest at heart.
I never felt, through any of her dealings with me, that she genuinely cared about me and what I was going through;
I decided to call the Dr. who performed the laparoscopic surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy three years ago.
He, of course, was happy to help me out.
When I met with him on Wednesday, he was completely understanding and full of compassion...as was his entire staff.
It was a complete night and day contrast.
He ordered a couple more HCG quants, as well as an ultrasound...wanting to be sure for himself that this pregnancy had no chance of surviving.
We met today to review all the results.
Of course, we all knew that this was not a viable pregnancy, but the fact that he was giving it every benefit of the doubt, made me feel like he really cared.
I, for the first time in weeks, felt validated.
I can now face tomorrow with a calm heart...knowing that I am absolutely in good hands.
(Let's just hope I make it until tomorrow, with all the cramping and spotting/bleeding we've been dealing with all weekend.)
Ok, now that was a lot of rambling.
The real purpose of this post was to thank all of you for...
Where do I even begin?
You all know who you are.
I feel so richly blessed.
Posted by nicole at 7:29 PM
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I noticed that were advertising for their Peppermint Chocolate Chip Milkshake.
Have you ever tried it?
Last year I wasn't able to order one because John and I were doing the no sugar thing...so as soon as I saw that they were offering it already for the season, I knew I had to have one.
The first sip was like magic.
With it came all the tastes, smells, sights, and sounds...of Christmas.
It was like I just got this itch...you know, the Christmas bug.
Then I got an idea! An awful idea! YES I GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
Remember this post from three years ago?
Well today I threw it all out the window.
I discounted everything I have ever believed in and preached about with regard to the holidays...
and we decorated for Christmas.
It's the first time in my life that I have ever taken down Halloween, and put up Christmas, on the same day.
While we worked, we broke out the Christmas music, burned a yummy pine candle, and even read Christmas stories before putting the kids to bed.
I have been in desperate need of some cheer the past couple of weeks, and (who knew?) this was just what I needed.
For the longest time, well since we lost mom a week before Christmas, I haven't had the best feelings about the holidays, particularly Christmas.
It's taken several years (and a couple of kids), to once again see Christmas for what it is...
Beautiful, Magical, and Exciting.
In fact, I think it's safe to say that this is the first year since before her passing, that decorating for Christmas hasn't felt burdensome and wearing.
It was actually something I anticipated and relished in.
I think this will be the best Christmas ever...
I can just feel it in my bones.
Posted by nicole at 10:11 PM
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
They did another ultrasound.
Still no baby.
I pretty much expected that result; but for some reason, when reality actually set in, it still rocked my world pretty good.
Even though I tried to prepare myself for the worst, I was still hoping for a positive outcome.
I had read about, and heard of so many women who's babies, for one reason or another, didn't show up on the ultrasound until just before their scheduled d&c...
some well into their 2nd trimester.
One woman I read about didn't see her baby until 18 weeks! She was told at about 10 weeks - because there was no baby to be found - that she was going to miscarry. She decided to let it happen naturally. She then ended up waiting about 8 weeks before she finally called her Dr. for some help. He had her come in for another ultrasound to see what was going on in there, and that's when they found her baby...measuring 18 weeks gestation!
Obviously stranger things have happened.
And one can't discount the fact that God is a God of miracles.
He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and omnipotent.
Surely there is no limit to His capabilities and aptitude.
I guess I was just hoping for a marvel like that in my situation.
My sweet friend, Syd, said it perfectly in a letter she wrote me.
"The Lord has the Power to calm the storm. But, at times, He lets the storm rage, and calms His child."
I loved this, as it has brought me so much comfort the past few weeks.
It's true, He's the master of all. At any moment, He can calm our life's storms, our trials, our sorrows.
He simply speaks, and it is done.
However, for reasons we often don't understand (but He does, and that's all that matters), He'll allow the storms to rage, to toss us to and fro...
but hasn't He promised that He will not leave us comfortless?
I believe what He says, and know from personal experience, that This promise is true. I look back to some of the heaviest storms I have faced (primarily losing mom, and then my baby boy, Isaac), and because I fastened to my anchor, who is Christ, I was able to weather these storms.
And not just weather the storms, but actually come out on top...
Become a better person.
A little bit more faithful...more believing, more compassionate, and stronger.
The Lord has His purposes...I will never doubt His dealings with me.
I know that He only has my best interest in mind.
I actually feel like great things are in store for my family.
I had hoped that it was this.
But my faith is not the least bit shaken because things didn't turn out exactly how I had hoped they would.
If anything, I have learned that I need to work a lot harder at aligning my will with the Lord's.
Something that has proven to be more difficult, for me at least, because of how badly I wanted this.
The Dr. told me on Monday that my body was holding on to this pregnancy, and now needed something to help it along.
Looks like two things were aligned - my body and my heart...neither wanting to let go.
When we got home, and Ruby saw me crying, she asked "did they not find our baby again mom?"
"No, they didn't, Ruby."
"But that's been three times, mom. Why can't they find our baby after three times?"
I hated having to tell her the truth. "Well sweetheart, It looks like our baby wasn't quite ready to come. Heavenly Father took our baby home, and when the time is right for our family, He'll send us the sweet spirit we've been waiting for." (Did I do ok? I mean, how do you explain something like that to a four year old? A four year old who has been beyond excited for another sibling. A four year old who never utters a prayer without first and foremost thanking Heavenly Father for our baby. A four year old who announces to every stranger on the street that her mommy has a baby in her tummy. I hope I did ok.)
"Oh" is all she said. Then she asked, "mom can we pretend that you're at the dr's office, and that I'm your dr?".
"Sure sweetie. That sounds fun."
"Ok, first I need to listen to your heart" She held a stethoscope to my chest and then said something that absolutely blew me away. "Hmmmm...it sounds like your heart is broken".
My eyes filled with tears. "Wow doc...you're spot on".
She then said something that made me chuckle. "Yes, and what you need to do to for your broken heart is stop eating sugar. You eat way too much sugar. You need to start eating more vegetables, pears, and cantaloupe".
Posted by nicole at 1:38 PM