Wednesday, November 3, 2010

broken heart

I had a Dr.'s appointment on Monday.
They did another ultrasound.
Still no baby.
No heartbeat.
I pretty much expected that result; but for some reason, when reality actually set in, it still rocked my world pretty good.
Even though I tried to prepare myself for the worst, I was still hoping for a positive outcome.
I had read about, and heard of so many women who's babies, for one reason or another, didn't show up on the ultrasound until just before their scheduled d&c...
some well into their 2nd trimester.
One woman I read about didn't see her baby until 18 weeks! She was told at about 10 weeks - because there was no baby to be found - that she was going to miscarry. She decided to let it happen naturally. She then ended up waiting about 8 weeks before she finally called her Dr. for some help. He had her come in for another ultrasound to see what was going on in there, and that's when they found her baby...measuring 18 weeks gestation!
Obviously stranger things have happened.
And one can't discount the fact that God is a God of miracles.
He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and omnipotent.
Surely there is no limit to His capabilities and aptitude.
I guess I was just hoping for a marvel like that in my situation.
My sweet friend, Syd, said it perfectly in a letter she wrote me.
"The Lord has the Power to calm the storm. But, at times, He lets the storm rage, and calms His child."
I loved this, as it has brought me so much comfort the past few weeks.
It's true, He's the master of all. At any moment, He can calm our life's storms, our trials, our sorrows.
He simply speaks, and it is done.
However, for reasons we often don't understand (but He does, and that's all that matters), He'll allow the storms to rage, to toss us to and fro...
but hasn't He promised that He will not leave us comfortless?
I believe what He says, and know from personal experience, that This promise is true. I look back to some of the heaviest storms I have faced (primarily losing mom, and then my baby boy, Isaac), and because I fastened to my anchor, who is Christ, I was able to weather these storms.
And not just weather the storms, but actually come out on top...
Become a better person.
A little bit more faithful...more believing, more compassionate, and stronger.
The Lord has His purposes...I will never doubt His dealings with me.
I know that He only has my best interest in mind.
I actually feel like great things are in store for my family.
I had hoped that it was this.
This pregnancy.
This baby.
But my faith is not the least bit shaken because things didn't turn out exactly how I had hoped they would.
If anything, I have learned that I need to work a lot harder at aligning my will with the Lord's.
Something that has proven to be more difficult, for me at least, because of how badly I wanted this.

The Dr. told me on Monday that my body was holding on to this pregnancy, and now needed something to help it along.
Looks like two things were aligned - my body and my heart...neither wanting to let go.

When we got home, and Ruby saw me crying, she asked "did they not find our baby again mom?"
"No, they didn't, Ruby."
"But that's been three times, mom. Why can't they find our baby after three times?"
I hated having to tell her the truth. "Well sweetheart, It looks like our baby wasn't quite ready to come. Heavenly Father took our baby home, and when the time is right for our family, He'll send us the sweet spirit we've been waiting for." (Did I do ok? I mean, how do you explain something like that to a four year old? A four year old who has been beyond excited for another sibling. A four year old who never utters a prayer without first and foremost thanking Heavenly Father for our baby. A four year old who announces to every stranger on the street that her mommy has a baby in her tummy. I hope I did ok.)
"Oh" is all she said. Then she asked, "mom can we pretend that you're at the dr's office, and that I'm your dr?".
"Sure sweetie. That sounds fun."
"Ok, first I need to listen to your heart" She held a stethoscope to my chest and then said something that absolutely blew me away. " sounds like your heart is broken".
My eyes filled with tears. "Wow're spot on".
She then said something that made me chuckle. "Yes, and what you need to do to for your broken heart is stop eating sugar. You eat way too much sugar. You need to start eating more vegetables, pears, and cantaloupe".

If only the cure for a broken heart was really that easy.


Amy Eagleston said...

You did awesome. I think you explained the situation to Ruby in a totally age appropriate way and it sounds like she understood you too! I love you!

disillusioned said...

I'm really really sorry Nicole :(!!!!

I want you to know though--although this probably won't bring you comfort--but when we found out last June that my mom's cancer had metasticized to her bones (8 years after she'd had it the first time)--and numerous times since then---I've been reminded that I have a dear friend who has been faithful through such trials---trials where heart breaks.

I'm just sorry it's so hard!!!

Luv you!

Mary P.

Jill Hunt said...

Sending much love your way!

The Girl said...

Hey Nicole.

So I went to UVSC and didn't know your husband, but knew of him. Maybe from Student Government, or institute, or Rosie. Anyways, I feel like a weirdo, but I put your blog on my google reader quite a while ago and have enjoyed your posts.

side note- My husband and I decided to adopt and have been working with a birth mom. Our little baby Emily is due in February. Maybe I can pick your brain {AKA e-mail you} one day about adoption stuff!

But before all that I had 3 miscarriages and understand your pain. I was thinking about you a few weeks ago and I hoped that everything will go well with this baby. I know I don't know you and that sounds weird, but I know how much it hurts when it doesn't work out and I hate for anyone to feel that.

I just wanted to let you know I am really sorry. I know how much it hurts and to be that sad. You seem like a very strong person, and I am sure you know this, but I know your heart will heal with time. And you are lucky to have those cute kids around to keep you busy.

I hope you can start to feel better soon!


Laurel said...

I'm so sorry, Nicole. While nobody knows another's feelings exactly, I do know how hard it is to hear a pregnancy is over. You know better than anyone should, how difficult the next few months especially will be, but I know you'll hang your head high. You have an amazing family and reliance on the Lord! Just remember that you don't always have to be strong. It's okay to be sad about this. But remembering all your blessings at the same time is the best way through it all! Sure love you, Nicole.

natalie eve said...

your ruby sure is a sweet one.

i'm SO sorry nicole.

your outlook and attitude utterly amazes me.

i will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

love you.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry Nicole! But you did a wonderful job explaning it to Ruby. You are a wonderful mother and those two are lucky to have you. Sending hugs your way!

diana said...

i think you did a better job than i probably would've. my ava amazes me with what she can comprehend and understand at such a young age, and i'm sure ruby not only understands but can handle it better than you realize. hang in there, you have a great outlook and attitude. you are loved and always in my thoughts.

now start eating more veggies, cantaloupe and pears... doctor's orders!

Sarah said...

I think that was a great way to explain it to Ruby. Her little doctor play is so cute, what a smart girl!
I'm so sorry for you, and this loss. I admire your faith and your strength. You inspire me to try to be better.

shannon said...

Oh Nicole. My heart breaks for you and are so optomistic and full of the spirit that I am also happy for you too. I know that is such a contradiction but it's true. You have such a deep understanding of Gods love for you and I think that that is amazing. I struggle with that fact everyday.I am inspired by your life Nicole. Thank you for letting me peer in on it here and there.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
that Ruby...makes me smile all the time. Gotta love her.