Friday, November 12, 2010

in a year

A lot can happen (or change) in a year.
Wouldn't you agree?
Last year at this time I was pretty much in the best shape of my life.
I had just decided to run a first race ever.
Just hours after signing up for the race (which is a skin cancer awareness event), I had received word from my Dr's office that my biopsy had come back...
the only two words I remember hearing from that conversation were,
malignant melanoma.
Suddenly this race I would be running, became more than just a became my race.
My cause.
In fact, as I was running along the course that day, I felt like I was the only one out there, seriously, like this race belonged only to me.
Still, to this day, I feel like the whole event was planned and organized...just for me.
In fact, several months back, I went to the website to double check the date for this year, only to discover that my picture was on the front page of the site!
My race, I tell ya.
Shortly after the race, the director gave all the participants the opportunity to submit their "race day story".
The winner would receive free registration for the following year.
Because I not only had such a wonderful experience running the race, but also had felt such an affinity to the race and it's cause, I was excited to have the opportunity to share my story.
Of course I was even more excited to learn that I had won!
To say that I have been excited about this year's race, would be an understatement.
I have been thinking about it, and dreaming about it, and anticipating it, for a whole year now.
I actually told myself awhile back that the only thing in this world that would stop me from running it...was if by some huge miracle...I became pregnant.
(Normally even that wouldn't stop me from running a race, especially this race...but because I have cervical insufficiency, I have to be extremely cautious with regard to my level of activity during pregnancy. Running a race, would not be wise.)
It was a huge surprise when we found out in September that I was actually pregnant.
I feel ashamed even admitting this, but a few days after we found out, I thought about this race; and for a brief moment, I felt a twinge of sadness knowing that it wouldn't be happening for me this year.
Thinking about what I would be trading it for (a new baby), however, made it all worthwhile,
and I was ok with that.
Here's what I'm not ok with.
It's been a whole year since my race.
I'm fat and out of shape, and I have a baby bump...but no baby.
I won't be running the race, and it's not because I'm pregnant,
but rather, recovering from a d&c- a procedure which removed my long-awaited and much- anticipated (but inviable) pregnancy.
(Can you tell I've been in bed too long and had too much time to feel sorry for myself and my situation?)

I'm happy, however, thinking about getting myself back in shape and being able to run the race next year...
unless of course, I'm pregnant- which would make me even happier.
A lot can happen (or change) in a year.

ps. Go to to see our picture...hurry before they re-design the page, and we'll be gone forever.


buddens said...

I feel a little responsible for your trip down memory lane since I brought up you being their poster child again to you. Oops! I'm sorry - I didn't mean for it to raise negative feelings for you.

And you are crazy to say that you are fat and out of shape! I'm sure your out of shape is my best hot to trot bod!

Rachel said...

What a cute picture of you and little Ruby! Sorry you can't run this year, but I know good things are in store for you!

Donna said...

maybe next year we can run together...actually I hope not. What I really hope for is for both of us to either have round bellies or newborns in our arms.