Monday, November 8, 2010

thank you

I go in tomorrow for my D&C.
I was actually scheduled to get it done last week, but on the drive home from my Dr's appointment, I got a sick feeling inside.
It wasn't really about the procedure at all, but had everything to do with the Dr. who would be performing it.
She was so rude to me. So completely insensitive.
She questioned and challenged me as to why I didn't take the cytotec (the pill to induce miscarriage) which they had prescribed me the day before.
I explained to her that I had already been through enough emotionally with this whole ordeal; and that I just didn't want to have to experience any more undue pain - emotional or physical. (I know there's no baby in there, but I am 13 weeks pregnant. My Uterus is enlarged, the gestational sac is big. I can only imagine the amount of blood and tissue that I would be passing, and therefore having to look at. Not to mention the severe cramping and pain that she had warned me about).
I told her that I really just wanted to go to sleep, and wake up, and know that it was done.
Just like that.
She seemed to almost mock me for my cowardice.
I felt crushed afterwards.
Crushed and sick inside.
I called John on the phone and he asked why we were even going to her.
At that point I just wanted it to be over with...even if it meant having that heartless woman take care of it.
I hung up with John, and headed for home.
It wasn't until I was stopped at a stoplight, that I finally came to my senses.
Why in the world am I giving this woman my patronage?
She clearly doesn't have my best interest at heart.
I never felt, through any of her dealings with me, that she genuinely cared about me and what I was going through;
and although I was anxious to just be done with it, I decided I would be willing to wait a few more days if it meant I could be in better hands.
I decided to call the Dr. who performed the laparoscopic surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy three years ago.
He, of course, was happy to help me out.
When I met with him on Wednesday, he was completely understanding and full of compassion...as was his entire staff.
It was a complete night and day contrast.
He ordered a couple more HCG quants, as well as an ultrasound...wanting to be sure for himself that this pregnancy had no chance of surviving.
We met today to review all the results.
Of course, we all knew that this was not a viable pregnancy, but the fact that he was giving it every benefit of the doubt, made me feel like he really cared.
I, for the first time in weeks, felt validated.
I can now face tomorrow with a calm heart...knowing that I am absolutely in good hands.
(Let's just hope I make it until tomorrow, with all the cramping and spotting/bleeding we've been dealing with all weekend.)

Ok, now that was a lot of rambling.
The real purpose of this post was to thank all of you for...
wow...
for everything.
Where do I even begin?

Thank you for the encouraging words, the tears, the cards and little notes, the gifts and heartfelt letters, the meals, the lunch dates, the sweet texts and blog comments, the prayers and fasts on our behalf, the phone calls, the flowers, the cookies, the bread (x3), the emails and facebook messages,
the watching of my kids...
and for your unconditional love, support, and friendship.
You all know who you are.
I feel so richly blessed.

Thank you...
from the bottom of my heart.

9 comments:

Layla said...

I had a very similar experience with a doctor once, not as dramatic as your's, She made me feel insecure and didn't have my best interest. I basically went in b/c I had the flu and got lectured b/c I wasn't on birth control (apparently 26 year old woman do stupid things).

I'm glad you found a doctor who you are comfortable with. I'm sorry that you have to go through this whole ordeal. Life is difficult, but you are one strong lady and I know that you can make it through.

Laurel said...

Nicole, I continue to wish you the best of everything, through everything! (Especially this...) I'm so glad you have had some peace with some of this, and I'm grateful (as always) for your constant example.

disillusioned said...

Again--I'm sorry you have to go through this! Although I'm glad you have a dr. now who cares. I had one 2 weeks ago who literally spent 40 minutes with me--just getting to know me. It was one of the best physician experiences I think I've ever had. Even though he's "across the river" (literally on the other side of the Mississippi from where I live), I will keep going to see him, cause I know he cares (he even gave me his card and told me that if they couldn't get me in, and I was really sick--to call him personally and he would do what he could to fit me in--hello!).

So--I'm grateful that you found a good dr. too! And that he wanted to "check out for himself".

My heart hurts for you--and I pray the Lord's Spirit will be with you tomorrow!

Love ya--Mary P.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Obviously Heavenly Father has complete faith in you that you are able to handle things like this with such faith and grace. We will keep praying for you!

Sarah Williams said...

Logged on to your blog so I wouldn't bother you....I'm all caught up and talked to John. YOU REST. Take advantage of all the help.=)

diana said...

thought about you all day today.

love you.

and i'm sorry.

Donna said...

Sending you loads of love and many prayers at this time.
Yesterday after my run the song "Imagine" came on my ipod while I was walking. Tears sprang to my eyes as I thought of you and your struggles. I stood there and listened to that song and imagined you with your mom, Isaac, and your future children.
Aren't we lucky that the gospel promises us these blessings? I wish you peace and comfort during this trying time.
As always, lots of love from Virginia,

Donna

Sarah said...

Good for you to get someone else that you like and who shows some compassion.

Love and prayers sent your way.

Cormac said...

i hate mean dr.'s i'm so glad you changed and feel better about it. thank you for the picture instructions i'll probably have to call you as i try a prototype this weekend. loves, doroth