Tuesday, March 6, 2007

it's really hitting me

I had an appointment with the doctor yesterday. He checked over my incisions and said that everything seemed to be healing properly. He told me that the surgery went really well, and then went on to explain to us, again, exactly what he did. After that, he showed us (and this is the crazy part) actual pictures, from each step of the surgery. We saw both of my ovaries, including the enormous cyst. He showed us each of the different steps in removing the cyst, and the strange yellowish blood that was inside of it. I then saw my large intestine, my appendix, my uterus, and both fallopian tubes. It was fascinating. I've seen similar pictures before, in magazines, Internet, etc. But it was completely different seeing the pictures, and knowing that they were taken inside of me...very surreal- to say the least. The part that really got me was seeing the bulge from the pregnancy in the left tube, my baby. The next frame he showed us was of the same tube, but this time, without the bulge. He explained that they used a suction device to remove the pregnancy, and that made me sad. To think that they would be so abrasive, so rough...with our baby. I'll be honest, I'm having a really tough time recording this experience. I think now that it's over, it's finally hitting me, and as I'm documenting it, I can't hold back the tears...
I know there's a lot of controversy as to when the spirit actually enters the body during pregnancy. I personally, would like to think that the little one we just lost, had a spirit. I know it had a heart beat. If that story I posted (about the doctor removing the ectopic pregnancy), is true, it seems to me like that baby's spirit had already entered his body. I would like to think that I will someday know this little baby of ours, because I do feel a connection (it's too hard to explain). There are definitely a lot of questions and uncertainties, but this, I'm sure of...The Lord is aware of me, he loves me, he has a plan for me; and, (just as I was told in the blessing from John), he has a specific plan for our family (and each member therein). The Lord will not nullify his promise. As long as I remain faithful, and put my trust in Him, I know that He will bless me with a wealth of knowledge and understanding...if not in this life, in the hereafter. I'm confident that everything WILL "work out" in accordance to his plan, and through his sweet and tender mercies. THIS IS MY HOPE...

3 comments:

ahe said...

When I think about what you and John have gone through over the past 21 months it breaks my heart. When I think about how you have dealt with your trials it strengthens my spirit. I know that you have been blessed with a very strong spirit to be able to endure all the trials that have come into your life and I know that the Lord will continue to give you the strength to endure the sorrows of this life. People say that time heals all wounds but I don't know that I belive that is true. I still feel pain about my brother Zane passing and miss him desperatly at times and I think that is totally normal. I know that the Lord can ease our pain when we need him to and that through our pain and suffering we gain greater eternal understanding. I don't mean to sound doom and gloom, I just think it is okay to feel pain and to cry and to stay in bed all day every once in a while. It is what makes us more human (and humble).

I love you!
ahe

Matt P. said...

I appreciate and agree with what Ahe wrote. Some times our experiences leave some serious scars that just won't heal until the ultimate Healer has a chance to make things right! You know I thought of something interesting the other day. I think everyone has heard the rather cliche statment "If there is a God, how could he let bad things happen?" Well, the fact that bad things happen seems to me to prove even more that there is a God. Things happen that we cannot explain, but we have to desperately hope that there is an explination...that there is a rhyme and reason to a bad things. This life is really so inconsequential in a lot of ways. It is a flash, a blip on the radar screen of eternity. Why does the Lord allow bad things to happen? Because they help us grow, and because in He'll spend the rest of eternity making it up to us.

Dad said...

Well said, Nic. Your HOPE is right on target. What sense would it make to think that all of these poignant experiences we have (many of which are painful) are for nothing?

Love Dad