Tuesday, September 14, 2010

re energized

I don't quite know how to explain the way I've been feeling lately. I guess if I had to describe it in one word, the word would be...down. I can't think of a specific event or series of events that have triggered these gloomy feelings; but for a while now I've felt them, and they make it hard for me to function the way that I should as a wife, a mom, a friend...a member of the church. John - the sweet and understanding person he is - always picks up the slack, and never utters a word of complaint. I always wonder what I did to deserve him. He is a saint. My dad has a couple of nicknames for John - Saint John, actually, being one of them - John the Beloved, the other. I'll be the first to attest, he truly does live up to both titles.

Last week was especially tough for me. Thursday night I received a blessing from my loving husband, and then went straight to bed. I woke up Friday morning feeling a bit better, went to lunch with a dear friend (which was a lot of fun and much needed); but then walking through the door into a messy house, blighted any motivation I may have had; and by nightfall, I was feeling as low as ever. Ruby and I had attempted to decorate the house for Halloween, but nothing was looking right; and by the time we had all four bins unpacked - with their contents strewn across the entire house - I was already checked-out, and wanted nothing more than to climb into bed. So that's exactly what we did...just left it all abandoned on the family room floor, and called it a night. John had an all day scout training that he had to attend on Saturday, which I was not at all looking forward to. We had planned to have some friends over that night for a BBQ, and with John being gone all day, I knew I'd have to singlehandedly get everything in order for our company. Now on a normal day, that would not be a problem at all...the task is definitely something I could handle on my own. But in a downcast and listless state, everything seems hard...even easy things sometimes feel impossible. John got up early Saturday, readied himself, and was out the door for his training - but not without showering me with multiple goodbye kisses and hugs, a flash of his million dollar smile, and the verbal assurance that "today will be a great day". What does he know? I thought. I'm left alone on a Saturday to take care of the kids, finish the decorating, clean up the bomb that we were calling our house, and then not only buy, but also prepare, all the food for our gathering that night. It felt like an impossible and overwhelming task. I was definitely wallowing in self pity...when...something happened. Something wonderful happened. It was the Spirit. It had to have been the Spirit because I was too completely wrapped up in my problems to have been capable of a switch like that on my own. Suddenly a surge of excitement gushed through my veins, and I almost couldn't wait to get a jump-start on the day. I started making plans, and actually getting excited about the day's prospects and possibilities. It was 6:15 in the morning, and if I got right on it, I'd be able to get a couple hours of work done before the kids woke up. John was right, it was going to be great...I could just feel it. I hopped up out of bed and straight to the bathroom I went. It wasn't until I began putting my contacts in, that I noticed the envelope taped to the vanity mirror. Knee-Cool it read (John called me ni-cool while we were dating)...written in red marker - obviously John's handwriting. I tore it open and immediately began crying as I read his thoughtful letter and realized what he had done. Attached to the letter was a boarding pass for a flight to Utah later that afternoon. In the letter, he reminded me of the promise we had made to each other a couple of years ago on our way home from Paul's movie premier in Vegas. It was a promise that we would do everything in our power to support our family members in their important undertakings, and to be present for their special events. My dad had recently been called as the Branch President over a newly organized singles' branch in our stake. He was to be sustained and set apart on Sunday, and would also be speaking in this new branch. I knew it wouldn't be possible with John's all day scout training on Saturday, and his important work seminars on Monday and Tuesday, to try and make the trip to Utah to support my dad. One can only imagine my surprise, then, to receive that letter and plane ticket. I could not contain my excitement, and it was manifested through my tears...lots and lots of tears. John also indicated in his letter that he wanted this to be a trip to "re energize my sweet Nicole". I cried even harder when I read that last line. I truly have been blessed with one of the kindest-hearted individuals this world has ever known. He is so sensitive to my feelings, my needs, my desires, my fears, my disappointments. I knew there was no way of repaying him for this special gift, but I did my best to make sure things were nice and in order for the little party (that he'd be hosting without me) that night. He was my motivation and my inspiration. And suddenly what I had previously labeled as an overwhelming and daunting chore, became...well, not a chore at all...but something I thoroughly enjoyed. It was fun putting the finishing touches on our Halloween display. It was fun cleaning up the house and putting everything in it's proper place. The kids and I even enjoyed shopping for and preparing all the food. It's fun doing things for other people...it helps you forget about your own problems for a while. I'm glad that the Spirit helped me to realize that before I had opened John's special letter and received his selfless gift. I would have felt pretty ridiculous had I carried on with that woe is me attitude.
Thanks to John, I was able to enjoy a wonderful weekend with my family. I love hearing my dad speak. He is probably the most spiritual person I know. He has so much wisdom and knowledge to share, and is always so in tune with the Spirit. He gave me some advice on how to pull out of my gloom, and some ideas on how I can get a better handle on my own life. And thanks to him, Things are already looking up. I also became closer with my sisters, as we engaged in many heartfelt conversations. We talked about boys, and dating, and of course, our sweet mom. We all miss her...a lot. It was hard to be away from my John, and the children...but this little trip was really just what I needed to reclaim myself...or re energize, as John would say.

Thank you, Thank you...my Sweetheart. It was so needed, and more appreciated than you'll ever know. I love you so.


{Brittany} said...

I love how honest you are. I need to hear that other women feel the same way I do. I need to hear that other women feel down, but try to find ways to cope! I have those days often during the month and I also have a husband who's willing to pick up the slack. Thanks for sharing!

The Heaps said...

What a beautiful post and amazing husband! You are an inspiration to me and it's comforting to know that I am not alone. All too often I find myself in a pretty low and dark place and not sure how I got there or how to get out. Thank you for your honesty...it has helped me tremendously today.

diana said...

i love that john.

and you, too nicole.

Rachel said...

That is so sweet! Glad you had some time to recharge your batteries!