to my mini (and very masculine) mango

dear jude,

it's 4:15 am and i can't sleep. i blame it on your father's phone and more particularly, that blasted alarm. i think it must be possessed. he swears he doesn't set it. but it always goes off at random times in the morning. this morning it went off at 3:55. the problem with that is, your daddy can turn it off, roll over, and be back to sleep in a millisecond. i, on the other hand, can't. once that alarm goes off, no matter the time, i'm up for the day. it hasn't always been that way...just since you've been growing inside of me. but that's ok. i'll take you over my sleep any day of the week.

well jude, we're almost half way there! can you even believe it?! week 19. they say that you're now the size of a mango. the last ultrasound i had, i asked them to check again for me, just to make sure you were still a boy. and you are. very much so. so for this week, i think i'll call you my masculine mango.

i got my first item for you the other day. that was exciting. well...it's actually for me, but it will make things very convenient in caring for you. it's a diaper bag. a nice, big and roomy, marc jacobs diaper bag. paying for it made me miss the days (the 10 whole years) that i worked for nordstrom, and got my house 33 (that's a discount, by the way - a 33% off discount. i really don't know why they call it a house 33. it never did make much sense to me). luckily i had a couple of gift cards burning a hole in my pocket - which definitely helped cushion the blow. we're going to be so stylish, sportin' our blue marc jacobs' bag with panthers all over it. daddy calls it my "liger" bag - which is a mix between a lion and a tiger - in case you were wondering. he just likes to give me a hard time, but secretly, well not really secretly, he openly told me that he really likes it. and that's a good thing, because i'm sure he'll be wearing that thing around his shoulder plenty. i smile just thinking about it. him holding you in one arm, and the marc jacobs in the other. every thought of you, and having you in our family, makes me smile.



the night before last, your daddy was out of town. i invited your brother and sister to sleep in my bed with me. we knelt down and said our family prayer before we hopped into the great big bed. i'm not sure who said it, i mean, that was two nights ago, and you can't really expect my pregnancy brain to remember details like that when so much time has passed. but i do know that whoever said it, they prayed for you. not a single prayer is uttered in our house, without first thanking Heavenly Father for you, and then asking him to continue to bless you to grow, and to develop properly, and to be healthy and strong. we all hopped into bed. i got the middle, and your siblings snuggled up on either side of me. we read our scriptures, and then we read the book that asher picked out , which was the itsy bits spider, and the book that ruby picked out, which was clifford the big red dog (well it looks like i do remember some things). after story time, we turned out the lights, and i pulled your siblings in close to me. we held each other tightly, and each of their legs were wrapped around mine. i was completely enveloped in the moment, when something amazing happened. i started to feel your tiny legs too. only they were't wrapped around mine, thank goodness (it's way too early for that) but they were moving around, and kicking like crazy inside of me. it was maybe as close, physically, as i might ever be, to my three precious little ones all at once...
and my heart was full to the brim.

and it still is...

even though it's 4:45 am, and i should be in my big comfy bed...sound asleep. i may have to have another talking to with your father about that alarm of his. i am truly grateful, though, because it gave me this opportunity to express my feelings to you. i hope you know how much i love you, how excited i am to see you on ultrasound again tomorrow, and how even more excited i am to meet you.

take care, my baby jude...now and forever.

all my love,
your (very sleep deprived) mom