1st day

the first day of anything, for me, has always been a bit nerve-racking. i've been that way my whole life. there's something about the unknown that just makes me feel uncomfortable, and nervous, and jittery...but also maybe deep down, way deep down, i sometimes feel a little excited too. yesterday was no different for me. the nerves, the discomfort, the sadness, and yes, a little bit of excitement. it was ruby's first day of school. real school. all day, every day, school. remember when i recently talked about walking my baby sister to kindergarten? well yesterday was the day i walked my own baby girl to kindergarten. although i did have some fears and reservations about the whole thing, i also felt happy, because you share in your children's joys, and, well, ruby was so excited for this day to arrive. she's been counting down for weeks. seeing her so happy, lessened some of my fears and worries. worries like, she will be gone for nearly 7 hours, 5 days a week, and she still takes naps with me at home everyday (because i'm a loser mom, and i just can't function if i don't get my daily pregnancy nap). so how will she not be falling asleep at her desk come 1:00 every day? other worries like (and maybe this is too much information) how will she wipe herself if she has to go number two? up until about 3 weeks ago, i have always helped her with this. we have been practicing a lot these days, though, and she gets a little treat every time she does it properly and gets herself clean. i sent a little travel pack of cottonelle flushables (thanks for the idea, brooke) with her in her backpack; and even let her pick out a really cute floral pencil case to keep them in so she wouldn't have to be embarrassed walking to the bathroom with a pack of wipes in her hand.

as i was packing her lunch yesterday, and putting her capri sun inside, it dawned on me, how will she open this on her own? juice boxes are easy, she can handle them just fine, but capri suns are floppy and the straw is almost impossible to insert unless you do it just right. why didn't i think of that when i was buying school lunch supplies? we practiced that morning, just moments before walking out the door for school, and went through about four drinks before we got it down to a science. i never realized all the things i do for her, that she'll now have to do on her own. i think that was what was getting to me the most. sure i'm going to miss her. sure i worry about whether she'll make new friends, and wonder if she'll put into practice all the good manners and life lessons that we've taught her. sure i worry and wonder if she will like her teacher, or (what i fear even more) will her teacher like her? will she be a quick learner? will she be able to keep up? will she have confidence? will she have the courage to be herself? when in compromising situations, will she have what it takes stand up for what she believes in? mostly i'm just scared, though, because this - kindergarten, school, being on her own - they all represent a new life for her. the beginning, but also the end of so many things. i feel like i'm sending her out into the great big world, and i'm just not sure how the great big world is going to treat her. that nice, tight, safe bubble i've been keeping her in for 5 years?...i feel like it just popped, and spit her out, and sent her on her way, and there wasn't a single thing i could do about it.

time never stops ticking. life never stops moving. and babies never stop growing up. that's what scares me and breaks my heart most of all....that my baby's not a baby anymore.
i'm happy that she'll still kiss me on the lips, though.

so excited, and also maybe a little worried about her first day, she's so much like her mother.


posing with mom and dad in front of the school, with her teacher, hanging up her backpack while she goes to play, and daddy walking her to go line up with her class.

so happy that her good friend and cousin, bennett, is in her same class! how fun is that? top left photo was taken after school with her cousins. looks like they all survived...with smiles on their faces even.


Ruby was EXHAUSTED by the end of the day, and actually fell asleep within minutes of our bed time routine (this never happens). asher was up for awhile crying for us to let him out of the room. we heard nothing for several minutes, and went in to find this. he had crawled into bed with his already sleeping sister. i love that my children are the best of friends. i hope nothing - not kindergarten, not friends, not the great big world - will ever, ever change that.