Monday, July 25, 2011

basket case momma


dearest baby,

it's been so long since i've taken the opportunity to jot down my feelings.
most importantly, my feelings about you.
the truth is, it's really hard to put it all in words.
the most powerful emotion i feel is love.
love and excitement.
but i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that sometimes i'm too afraid to even feel excited.
your aunt leigh summed it up perfectly when she said that she was so dang excited....and on edge....and thrilled....and scared to be thrilled....and hopeful....and nervous...and happy.
that's everything i've been feeling and more.
these past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of anxiety, and fear, and doubt, not to mention weak stomach, and frazzled nerves.
your daddy and i got to see you about three weeks ago.
that was one of the most beautiful things i have witnessed in a very long time.
your perfect little gummy-bear-shaped-body, and seeing that little flicker on the screen.
we were told that that was your heartbeat.
i can't even describe to you how happy it made your mommy seeing your little heart working and pumping the way that it was.
brought instant tears to my eyes.
i uttered a silent prayer of gratitude to our Heavenly Father for blessing us with such a perfectly sweet and tender moment.
the moment of meeting you for the very first time.
it truly was remarkable.
they said you were measuring perfectly, and that your heart rate was right on target.
and they gave us gobs and gobs of photos.
we walked out of that office, two of the happiest and proudest parents on the planet.
over time, however, that cloud i had been floating on,
started to sink...
down,
down,
down.
i let fear and doubt set in.
despairing thoughts started to overtake me.
i stopped sleeping at night.
for days i refused to even get myself ready in the mornings.
pregnancy symptoms started to decline...
and i began mourning your loss.
i figured that only in the next life would i be blessed to have more children.
i cried a lot.
oh baby, i hope you will forgive me.
it's just that after losing so many, it's hard to believe that one might actually stick.
obviously i need to have more faith in my Heavenly Father and his perfect plan for our family. i'm working on that.
i had a blessing from your father.
he blessed me with peace.
but my heart and mind kept fighting it.
i was still convinced that you were no more, that your perfect heart -which had once been strong and beating -was now still.
i just knew that it wasn't meant to be.
a few days ago i shared my feelings with your grandpa pitts, and then later with grandma judy.
both of them counseled and urged with all the love and concern in their hearts for me (and for you, and for our family), that i needed to call my nurse.
i hesitantly agreed, and then picked up the phone.
i told her that i didn't think i was pregnant anymore, and that the anxiety i was experiencing as i convinced myself of this possibility was too much to bear.
she told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.
that was last friday.
i cried a good portion of the day.
all sorts of ugly, and horrible, and heartbreaking, scenarios entered my head.
but finally the hour arrived.
your daddy came with me.
my heart was racing as they lead us down a long corridor to the dark room at the end of the hall. my palms were sweaty.
my head pounding.
i lay on the table as the sonographer squirted the warm gel, and then positioned her wand just perfectly.
not 3 seconds later, we heard her say, see that cute little flickering heart beat?
and i sighed.
a HUGE, ginormous, gigantous (as grandma judy would say) sigh of relief.
and of gratitude. and of overwhelming and indescribable joy.
there you were, sweet baby, kicking your little legs, waving your little arms, showing off your two most perfect feet.
you reminded me of a darling little peanut...with limbs.
the nurse took so many pictures of you that she had to put them all on a disk.
it's a gift i will forever cherish.
my doctor prescribed me some benozs so that i can finally relax a little and get some sleep at night.
i had to take them with your sister, ruby, too.
i was just the biggest basket case after losing your big brother, isaac, and lived every night in fear of losing her, too.
i know that you are here to stay, though, sweet baby.
you are in the hands of the greatest physician of all, even our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
also taking care of us are the best (some even world renowned) perinatalogists out there.
they have promised to take care of us weekly until you are here...
safe and sound.
guess what that means, my little one? i get to see you in 5 more days!
your daddy and i can hardly wait.

i love you so,

your (basket-case) momma

13 comments:

Me said...

Bringing tears to my eyes!! Will continue praying--but am SO happy you have such wonderful doctors, and such good news!

Mary P.

Lacking Productivity said...

hugs.

Angie P said...

That makes me so happy! I am so excited for you guys and love you so much. I love my new little baby niece or nephew too. I'll keep praying until he or she gets here safely. I love you!

natalie eve said...

this makes me so happy. i was wondering about you and the peanut. i will keep you and the muffin in my prayers. LOVE you nicole. i MISS you. gno - PRONTO!!!

Laurel said...

Oh, my goodness. That is just the best news I've heard all week! I was thinking about you a few days ago, Nicole, but didn't want to come right out and ask how everything has been going. I am so happy that you and Baby are doing so well!

I remember I was just CONVINCED I had miscarried around 6 or 7 weeks with my little Scarlett. I called my mom in tears (she didn't even know we were pregnant yet), more for comfort than anything, and still remember what she told me: It's normal to worry, but nothing has happened yet. Other than light (but pretty consistent) spotting, I had no additional signs I was actually miscarrying (which I know too well doesn't especially mean anything). Thankfully, I was able to calm down a bit, made it to my next check-up, then the next, then the next.

Now when I look at my sweet little girl, I am in awe that I was so convinced I had lost her.

I know some of the feelings you are going through, and all I can say is keep on keepin' on. ;-) Today, your sweet baby is with you. Unfortunately there is no "out of the woods", but today you have your 2 amazing babies at home, and you have your darling little peanut with limbs. Today is perfect. (Well, as perfect as life is with toddlers running around!)

Sure love you, Nicole, and I can't WAIT to hear more about Baby peanut!

Jill Hunt said...

I Love, love, love you NIcole. You are such an amazing person! You are definitely in my prayers!

mle said...

that is such great news!! :)

Travis and Teresa Wilson said...

I think I have been a basket case waiting for this post. We have and continue to pray for you and your sweet baby. I hate when I let fear take over and I find myself doing that way too often. Hang in there I sure do love ya and think you are simply amazing!

Calamitous Karolossus said...

so glad baby is doing well! we're praying for you!

Sonja said...

Yay!! Joy!! Beautiful! So very very happy for you, John, Ruby and Asher! Love, love, love to you.

Hello my Name is Rachel... said...

Wow Nickers You made me bawl like a baby:):):):) I am so happy that everything is going well in your pregnancy. You and you sweet little one have been, and will remain in my prayers! Love you to death!

Whitney said...

Stumbled across your blog through facebook ... congrats on the pregnancy and I'm glad you're being taken care of and watched over. I'm still kind of bummed that you couldn't come to girl's camp and I would have got to know you better, oh well! Just scrolling down your blog, your pictures are amazing and your kids are darling. A singing class for your little girl? I'd love to get mine signed up for something similar in the future - that's totally up her alley. When you have a second, would you mind passing along the information of where you take her? Thanks!

Scarlett said...

Nicole! I am SO happy and relieved for you! When I get pregnant again, I will be exactly the same way. You are in my prayers. Please keep us updated!