it's not over...until it's over

Our ultrasound last Friday didn't go at all how we had hoped. Still no baby to be found. At 9 weeks and 1 day, according to the doctor, there is no doubt the baby would be seen. This is a miscarriage she told us over and over again. What about my gestational sac? What was it measuring? We asked. Oh the gestational sac is big. She said. What about her hormone levels? John asked. Oh hormone levels are high...But there is no baby. This is a miscarriage.I didn't matter how many times she repeated it, I just couldn't believe her. I didn't want to believe her. And I didn't believe her.
She then wanted to go over my pregnancy history. I obliged.
So you lost your first baby at 23 weeks?
Yes.
Was this due to cervical insufficiency?
Yes.
And your second pregnancy? Looks like you made it full-term with a cerclage?
Yes, but not without complications.
And your 3rd pregnancy? You had an ectopic?
Yes.
Did they have to remove your tube?
Yes.
Okay, and now this is your 4th pregnancy?
Yes.
You have had nothing easy.
No. And (I pause because the tears are clouding my vision and impairing my speech) And it took us three years to get this one.
Three years? Wow. And it's a miscarriage. I'm sorry. It's a miscarriage.

I still didn't believe her.

She then presented me with three options.

1) We could schedule a D&C.

2) She could prescribe a pill that would induce the miscarriage.

Or

3) I could wait for it to happen on it's own.

I couldn't make a decision. I didn't want to have to make a decision. I just sat there.

And then I felt something. Something that told me to just wait.

The doctor, I could tell, didn't agree with my decision. She told me that she's had patients wait up to 6 weeks for their miscarriage, and that the emotional pain of just waiting for it to happen would be awful.

She also went on to explain that the further along you are in the pregnancy, the more terrible the miscarriage, and therefore, the physical pain is awful as well.

I didn't care anymore what she had to say.

All I knew is that it was not time to end this pregnancy. And the only thing that made any sense to me,

was the inner feeling I had....

to just wait.

Now I realize that all signs point to the fact that I'm losing this baby, this pregnancy...but I won't believe it until it actually happens.

I'm still holding out for a miracle.

I know that the Lord can do it if it's His will.

He knows the desires of my heart.

I have Faith in Him.

I trust in Him.

And I'm completely devoted to Him. No matter what.

I submit fully to His will,

and I know that whatever happens,

He has great things in store for me and for my family.

When doors close in our lives, when we're faced with sorrow, heartbreak, failure, disappointment, and adversity, I think one of the best things we can do, besides clinging to our faith, is to be grateful. To have an attitude of gratitude. To recognize all the things with which the Lord has blessed us. It's so humbling; and surprisingly, helps put everything into proper perspective.

I tell you, after receiving the news on Friday, all I wanted to do was to run and grab my two babies and hold them and never let them go. I felt so grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with them, my two angels. And for John. He is my soul mate, and my best friend...and the most perfect spouse I could ever dream of.

My heart is full of thanks...I have so much to be grateful for.

Somehow I'm at peace with my situation.

I don't sit and worry and wait and wonder when the miscarriage is going to happen...

instead, I wonder if it even will.

I cling to my faith, I cling to my Savior, I cling to my family, and I focus on my blessings.

I am at peace.

It's not over...until it's over.

Pray for us some more. Please.