Monday, October 18, 2010

it's not over...until it's over

Our ultrasound last Friday didn't go at all how we had hoped.
Still no baby to be found.
At 9 weeks and 1 day, according to the doctor, there is no doubt the baby would be seen.
This is a miscarriage she told us over and over again.
What about my gestational sac? What was it measuring? We asked.
Oh the gestational sac is big. She said.
What about her hormone levels? John asked.
Oh hormone levels are high...But there is no baby. This is a miscarriage.
I didn't matter how many times she repeated it, I just couldn't believe her.
I didn't want to believe her.
And I didn't believe her.

She then wanted to go over my pregnancy history. I obliged.

So you lost your first baby at 23 weeks?
Was this due to cervical insufficiency?
And your second pregnancy? Looks like you made it full-term with a cerclage?
Yes, but not without complications.
And your 3rd pregnancy? You had an ectopic?
Did they have to remove your tube?
Okay, and now this is your 4th pregnancy?
You have had nothing easy.
No. And
(I pause because the tears are clouding my vision and impairing my speech) And it took us three years to get this one.
Three years? Wow. And it's a miscarriage. I'm sorry. It's a miscarriage.

I still didn't believe her.

She then presented me with three options.
1) We could schedule a D&C.
2) She could prescribe a pill that would induce the miscarriage.
3) I could wait for it to happen on it's own.

I couldn't make a decision. I didn't want to have to make a decision. I just sat there.
And then I felt something. Something that told me to just wait.
The doctor, I could tell, didn't agree with my decision. She told me that she's had patients wait up to 6 weeks for their miscarriage, and that the emotional pain of just waiting for it to happen would be awful.
She also went on to explain that the further along you are in the pregnancy, the more terrible the miscarriage, and therefore, the physical pain is awful as well.
I didn't care anymore what she had to say.
All I knew is that it was not time to end this pregnancy. And the only thing that made any sense to me,
was the inner feeling I had....
to just wait.

Now I realize that all signs point to the fact that I'm losing this baby, this pregnancy...but I won't believe it until it actually happens.
I'm still holding out for a miracle.
I know that the Lord can do it if it's His will.
He knows the desires of my heart.
I have Faith in Him.
I trust in Him.
And I'm completely devoted to Him. No matter what.
I submit fully to His will,
and I know that whatever happens,
He has great things in store for me and for my family.
When doors close in our lives, when we're faced with sorrow, heartbreak, failure, disappointment, and adversity, I think one of the best things we can do, besides clinging to our faith, is to be grateful. To have an attitude of gratitude. To recognize all the things with which the Lord has blessed us. It's so humbling; and surprisingly, helps put everything into proper perspective.
I tell you, after receiving the news on Friday, all I wanted to do was to run and grab my two babies and hold them and never let them go. I felt so grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with them, my two angels. And for John. He is my soul mate, and my best friend...and the most perfect spouse I could ever dream of.
My heart is full of thanks...I have so much to be grateful for.

Somehow I'm at peace with my situation.
I don't sit and worry and wait and wonder when the miscarriage is going to happen...
instead, I wonder if it even will.
I cling to my faith, I cling to my Savior, I cling to my family, and I focus on my blessings.
I am at peace.

It's not over...until it's over.

Pray for us some more. Please.


~~Heidi~~ said...

Oh Nicole, I am so sorry to hear this... I didn't know what was happening until Nic said, hey did you hear what happened to the Eaglestons baby yet? I said no, then I had to read your blog first thing upon waking up! Oh man, Oh no.. Oh my goodness is all I could keep thinking. You guys really haven't had it easy, Yet it amazes how amazingly strong your faith is! I know the Lord protects us, and I know he is for sure watching over you guys, We will keep you in our prayers! And your kids are so cute and sweet, I love the sunday morning post, I love it when my kids love each other, (seems it doesn't happen as often as I wish) But I love it when they do show each other how much they do love one another! HAng in there guys! You faith lifts everyone else up, after reading each of your posts! We love you guys and miss you!

Kelly and Jill Burk said...

I love your tremondous strength in yourself and Heavenly Father. It truly is in his hands.

My prayers will be with you and your family Nicole.

Sonja said...

Yes. Praying for you and your family, dear, wonderful Nicole.

Jill Hunt said...

Oh Nicole! We also will be praying for you! You are in the Lord's hands!

Kara said...

Nicole , I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prays . I admire your strength and faith .

disillusioned said...

Put your name on temple roll in St. Paul too!

Prayers--Mary P.

Scarlett said...

Nicole, I don't know you personally, yet I feel like I do. As I am crying right now while reading your blog, I feel like you are a dear friend of mine. I am crushed by your news. One of my biggest fears is getting preganant, after 4 years of trying, and miscarrying again. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, hence my emotional state while reading this. Your faith astounds me. Please know that I am praying for your family.

Cormac said...

nic you're breaking my heart. I hope hope hope you don't mis...loves

Jason & Brandi Mitchell Family said...

Nicole, Your strength and perserverance is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing your experience and heart-felt words so that we all can grow. You are in my prayers! I know Heavenly Father can work miracles. I just wish the timing made sense. Thank you for being you!

Anonymous said...

you don't know me...(sorry if that's weird!) but I am Jamie Heap's cousin. We are adopting so Jamie told me about you....I just wanted you to know, I am praying for you. I know a little bit of what you are going through and I am praying! Don't let any doubt or fear enter your thoughts! He is the God of miracles!
~Melissa Kleiner~

Emily said...

Thank you for sharing've been in my heart all day...special prayers are coming your way...glad to know you're experiencing peace...that is a gift from the Father. Glad to know we share Argentina together! =)

Let me know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTIME I can do for you!

Sarah said...

Prayers and thoughts going out to you. Absolutely love your strength and example to listen to Heavenly Father.

Camille Law said...

Oh Nicole...I'm in tears. Please know you are always in my thougths and prayers. I too know that the Lord has a plan for each of us. He will bless you in his time. Keep the faith. You are and have always been a hero of mine. Love you friend.