Thursday, June 10, 2010

my dear little


you turned 4 nearly a week ago. every day since your birthday i have thought about taking some time to jot down my feelings...truth is, momma has been busy with so many different things...running here and there, doing this and that. it seems like every night i'm just too exhausted, and all i really want to do is cuddle up with you and drift off to sleep. finally last night i was able to sit down at the computer to write all about your birthday and your party, but you lay on the bed looking up at me with the biggest, saddest eyes. then you asked me if i could come and hold you until you fell asleep. well that was a request i couldn't pass up...i figured the blogging could wait one more day. i wrapped my arms around you and we stared into each others eyes. we were so close, our noses practically touched. i watched as your eyelids became heavy and within just a minute or two, you were sound asleep. i continued to hold you there in my arms for a long while. i thought about the past four years and how much my love for your has grown. i still remember so vividly the day you came into our lives. you didn't make a peep when you were fact, in a way it kind of scared your daddy and me. nobody else in that room seemed to be concerned though, and then that sweet nurse laid your tiny little body on my chest. i wondered what you were thinking about as i watched you gaze around the room and then stare up into momma and daddy's eyes. i couldn't fathom how it was even possible to love this tiny little stranger the way that i did. and then last night all those same feelings came flooding back, as i once again, held you close to my heart. in fact, since our very first encounter on that beautiful sunday afternoon, over four years ago, we have had thousands of moments like these...moments i wish i could freeze and stay in forever. your dad and i used to keep you in our bed and take turns holding you and snuggling you at night. it wasn't until you were 8 months old that we finally decided it was time for you to be in your own bed. that was one of the hardest things for me to do, but i knew it would be better for all of us in the long run. that lasted about a year and a half...and then you were back in our bed every night...and still are to this day. i know you're a big girl, and that you should probably be in your own big girl bed; but it just breaks my heart to leave you in your room screaming and crying the way that you do. what is it that plagues you? what do you worry about? what are you afraid of? well, that big world out there is a scary enough place, i never want you to be afraid in the walls of your own home. i want it to be a safe place for you...a haven. and if being in mommy and daddy's bed makes you feel the very safest of all, then know that you are always welcome there. truth is, we kind of like it too. i just figure that soon enough the day will come that you won't want to sleep in our bed anymore; and then i think i'll be longing for the days when you did. i cherish every moment i can cuddle up to you and feel your warm little foot against my leg. i cherish you, my sweetheart, and i cherish the 4 years that you've been a part of my life. i love you more now than i did when i first laid eyes on you, and i never thought that would be possible. the love i feel for you in this moment is...well, it's so strong my feeble words can't even express it. hopefully one day you'll understand. happy birthday, my dear little ruby.

all my love,

your mom


Ethel Carola Aredes Tapia said...

amiga la verdad que uno como madre desarrolla un amor tan grande por los hijos
ellos nos brindan esa oportunidad de desarrollasr esos talento que traemos desarrollamos la medicina cuando ellos se enferma las manualidades haciendo cosas para ellos desarrollamos amor paciencia entre tantas otra cosas que seria una lista grande
amiga felicidades a Ruby por su cumpleaƱos y a vos por la oportunidad que te dan Asher y Ruby de ser madre
te quiero mucho amiga

Jon and Ashlyn Ellsworth said...

That was the sweetest thing ever. It brought tears to my eyes and made me think that I can't wait to be a great mom like you Nicole. You are such an inspiration to me and many others. You are so great to Ruby and Asher. You and John are amazing parents. Don't ever forget that! Love you both!

natalie eve said...

well... this made me bawl like a baby.

make sure ruby gets a copy of this letter.

ruby and conor now share the same birthday too!!!

happy 4 years to miss ruby.

Ashley said...

You are such a sweet mom,I am glad that we are not the only ones with a 4 year old that still comes to sleep in our bed. But I like you, no there will be a day when that doesn't happen anymore and it makes me sad to think about! Happy Birthday Ruby

Sarah said...

Beautiful, such sweet words, so tender. Happy Birthday Ruby!

Love her dance pictures, she is so cute!

Danielle said...

First of all, I always love how you word things Nicole. You write with such depth of feeling, spirit and strength. Ruby is going to treasure all the blog entries you've written about her over the years - especially the "birthday blogs". I remember when John called to announce Ruby's long-awaited arrival. I had a baby picture of her on my fridge for the longest time. I marvel how she's changed over the past four years - from looking just like daddy to looking just like mommy. You and John are incredible parents, and both Ruby and Asher are two of the luckiest kids on the planet to have you! HAPPY birthday (6/4) Ruby! You truly are a gem!

shannon said...

aaaah, Nicole I loved this entry and the picture just says a million words. There is nothing like a childs birthday to make a Mom pensive and thoughtful.