heavy heart...

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. While I lay in bed, thoughts of four years ago raced through my head. Four years ago, when our baby, Isaac, entered our world; and then left as quickly as he had come. I thought about the feelings that accompanied our loss. I was reminded of the dark and sleepless night in which I clenched his lifeless body in my arms. I remembered feeling like my life had come to a sudden halt. Like I had been backed into a corner, and had no way of getting out. I remembered feeling hopelessly sad; and also feeling like this incessant sadness would remain a constant in my life. Joy and happiness seemed so far-removed...things of the past. My thoughts wandered, as I lay in bed this morning, and I found myself imagining what my life might possibly be like if Isaac had lived, if Heavenly Father had granted us the thing that we had desired above all...which was to keep him with us - alive...to be his parents - now. In hindsight, I'm realizing that had he lived, life would have been extremely difficult. I imagine we would have spent many, many months in the NICU. I'm sure he would have needed several surgeries. He would have had developmental delays and setbacks throughout his life. I imagine he would always be small and fragile. Although, I would have taken any of that just to have had the opportunity of holding him, and loving him, and raising him; I also understand that none of that was in the Lord's plan for our family. (Plus if Isaac had lived, we wouldn't have gotten our Ruby...at least when we did; and I almost can't even bear that thought.) So, although I realize that it was never meant to be, I still think about my precious firstborn. There are still days and moments when I find myself crying, even sobbing, for him. Sometimes crying to hold him again, other times crying because I never knew him; and still, at times, crying because I miss him so much. How grateful I am for the knowledge that he is there...somewhere. And that, wherever that somewhere is, he is there - thinking of me, praying for me, rooting for me, waiting for me. I cling to the hope that we will be reunited someday...that I will be given a second chance to raise him, to hold him, to love him, to clench him in my arms once again, and to - this time - actually be able to feel his heart beating against mine...

It's this knowledge that helps me through the really, really, sad days...like today.