Monday, June 29, 2009

heavy heart...


I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. While I lay in bed, thoughts of four years ago raced through my head. Four years ago, when our baby, Isaac, entered our world; and then left as quickly as he had come. I thought about the feelings that accompanied our loss. I was reminded of the dark and sleepless night in which I clenched his lifeless body in my arms. I remembered feeling like my life had come to a sudden halt. Like I had been backed into a corner, and had no way of getting out. I remembered feeling hopelessly sad; and also feeling like this incessant sadness would remain a constant in my life. Joy and happiness seemed so far-removed...things of the past. My thoughts wandered, as I lay in bed this morning, and I found myself imagining what my life might possibly be like if Isaac had lived, if Heavenly Father had granted us the thing that we had desired above all...which was to keep him with us - alive...to be his parents - now. In hindsight, I'm realizing that had he lived, life would have been extremely difficult. I imagine we would have spent many, many months in the NICU. I'm sure he would have needed several surgeries. He would have had developmental delays and setbacks throughout his life. I imagine he would always be small and fragile. Although, I would have taken any of that just to have had the opportunity of holding him, and loving him, and raising him; I also understand that none of that was in the Lord's plan for our family. (Plus if Isaac had lived, we wouldn't have gotten our Ruby...at least when we did; and I almost can't even bear that thought.) So, although I realize that it was never meant to be, I still think about my precious firstborn. There are still days and moments when I find myself crying, even sobbing, for him. Sometimes crying to hold him again, other times crying because I never knew him; and still, at times, crying because I miss him so much. How grateful I am for the knowledge that he is there...somewhere. And that, wherever that somewhere is, he is there - thinking of me, praying for me, rooting for me, waiting for me. I cling to the hope that we will be reunited someday...that I will be given a second chance to raise him, to hold him, to love him, to clench him in my arms once again, and to - this time - actually be able to feel his heart beating against mine...

It's this knowledge that helps me through the really, really, sad days...like today.

19 comments:

Cheri said...

Nicole, I am praying for you guys. You are an awesome woman! What a strong person you are with a strong testimony!!! The day for you to see him will be here before you know it! Life goes so fast!

Jon and Ashlyn Ellsworth said...

What an inspiration you are to me Nicole! You are so beautiful and the words your write are always so wonderful! Today's emotional post was amazing to read. Nicole, you are an amazing woman. You are right that Isaac is watching you and cheering you on at every moment! Isn't it amazing that we have the knowledge that familys can be together forever. That you will see your precious Isaac again one day!

Layla said...

You are one incredibly strong lady. This post broke my heart and although I've never lost a child, I could sense the pain that you are going through. Just know that you are loved and I'm sure that Isaac can not wait to reunite with you again one day.

natalie eve said...

i'm so sorry nicole. your post made me cry. even though we have the knowledge we do about eternal families, it is still hard and heart breaking. i love that you know that he is rooting for you and praying for you, because he most definitely is.

Angela said...

How amazingly beautiful your love for Isaac is. Isaac, Ruby and Asher sure are lucky to be blessed with such a mother.

The Deans said...

Nicole I check your blog from time to time and I am so amazed at your strength and testimony. Isaac is very lucky to have parents like you and John. You will be with him again!

Brooke said...

I can't wait to meet Isaac someday, and to know that as a family unit, we are all tied together Forever! I'm sure he is proud of his momma and happy that the pain is subsiding for you as time passes.

Ethel Carola Aredes Tapia said...

ah amiga me alegra que tu esperanza sea fuerte se si ninguna duda que nuestro amoroso Padre Celestial el siempre cumple con su promesa
tanto es asi que te ama que despues de esta dura prueba de sacartelo a Isaac te mando el consuelo que necesitaba mandandote dos angeles para que te fortaleciera Ruby y Asher
se que tu pequeño Isaac esta velando por su familia que esta en este tiempo de probacion
me pongo a pensar cuan especial fue Isaac en la pre existencia cuanto aprendio y progreso alli que solo necesitaba de dos padres amorosos terrenales que les permitieron darle un cuerpo para seguir progresando en el mundo de los espiritud
cuan especiales sos vos y tu esposo que tienen a un hijo que logro la exaltacion y solo espera por sus padres y hermanos
te amo mucho amiga se cuan dificil es la separacion de un hijo de sus padre cuan grande es el amor que unos padres pueden tener por sus hijos como dices vos todo tiene un sabio proposito y aunque la separacion sea dura todo lo que nos pasa es para nuestro bien y progreso eterno
te quiero muchisimo amiga

me said...

I love little Isaac and think of him often. I honestly can't imagine the pain that you must feel and I think it is unfair that we must feel such pain in this life but I am also inspired by your faith, testimony, and dedication to the gospel. The way that you and John serve is humbling to me because I have had such a bad attitude about it at times but then I remember how completely you two have dedicated yourselves to living a life that will allow you to see your sweet Isaac again and all my talk of "fairness" vanishes as I remember the end goal. I will never forget the promise that John made to Isaac in his baby blessing. It was a promise I knew wouldn't be easy to keep and yet one that I was totally positive that you and John would live up to...John promised that his parents would live a life that would allow them to see him again. Thank you for being a constant example to me and thank you for sharing sweet Isaac with us. Love you!

disillusioned said...

Nicole,

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I pray you'll have comfort on these hard days!

Love--Mary P.

Celeste said...

What a glorious day it will be when you will be able to be with him again. I have no doubts that your sweet little Isaac is up there watching and is anxiously awaiting the day when he too can be reunited with you. I would also bet that he is in awe of the outstanding parents (and siblings) he has been sealed to.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you Nicole.

Laurel said...

Oh, Nicole. I still remember this so well and can't say I "know" how you felt then and feel now. But I have an incredibly strong testimony of knowing that these children we don't get to raise in this life will again be ours in the next. We WILL get to raise them, see them grow and excel, and share a very special, sacred love. You have an incredible strength, and I hope you realize how much it means to me.

KellyB said...

I remember this time in your life and how it hurt me so bad so hear what had happened and see you in so much pain but at the same time, I also remember what a strength you were(are) to everyone who you come in contact with. Maybe another reason why this needed to happen to you is because other people need someone to look up to. We need you and your inspiration in our lives. Everyone love you so much and I have never known someone who I look up to more than you because of what you have been through and your outlook on life. Thank you for always being so loving, kind, strong, thoughtful, and amazing. People like me need friends like you... even if it is just over blogs now ...to hear stories like this ... and cry in the library when I am supposed to be studying :) I love you more than you will ever know

KellyB said...

holy cow, I just read over what I typed and now I am laughing out loud at all the structural and grammatical errors. haha, oh well.. I still love ya and I am sure you got what I was trying to say

The Heaps said...

Isn't the Gospel AMAZING!!! How lucky we are to know that we get to see our loved ones again and that we will joyously be reunited with them in the life to come. My thoughts and prayer are with you!

shannon said...

Oh Nicole - Your post was so tender and sweet. At camp while we were bearing testimonies I was so impressed by your thoughts about eternal life and how you have not only 1 little angel rooting you on but your mother as well. I believe the gospel is true and that H.F. has a perfect plan for us. If we follow that plan, like you and John are...we are promised eternal life. That is such an amazing promise. Aren't we so lucky to know the truth! I feel so blessed!
My heart goes out to you today.
God Bless.

Kim said...

You are such an awesome family!! We love you guys so much. We feel some similar emotions, although not comparable. We can't wait for the day that we will be able to get to know our sweet little nephew.

diana said...

nicole...

my heart weighs heavy for you too. but is also lifted, because of your knowledge that you will hold isaac once again. i love you and i'm so sorry i couldn't be there for you on that difficult day, but i'm here for you if/when they so happen to come again.

Teagan said...

this post shows that you never really know someone and what they have been through, in their life time, from the out side.
Just this morning as we were leaving I watched you leave and thought, she is so sweet, nice (and yes I did check you out-ha ha ha) and has a great body--I wonder if she has any kids?
This brought tears to my eyes--thanks for sharing.