Tuesday, September 1, 2009

when skies are grey...

Dear Mom,

Last night I was missing you so badly, it hurt. I cried. I cried a lot. It was the kind of cry where you cry so hard, you almost can't breathe. I'm sure you cried like that from time to time when you were here. I even wonder if you sometimes cry like that now...that you're not here. I'm sure it hurts you just as badly as it does us, that you can't be here, that you are no longer able to play an active role in our lives. I wonder if you realize, however, that through the life you lived, through the example you set, through the legacy you left behind, you still play an important, and active role in my life. So many decisions I make are governed by the very thought, "what would mom do in this situation?". As I lay there last night gushing great sobs of anguish, my sweet John held me in his arms, and assured me that you are still here. That you and our sweet Isaac are very aware of us...of me. That you're proud of me and of the life I'm conducting. That you know, and love, and absolutely adore your precious grandchildren. That your heart swells with pride as you watch them learn, and grow, and progress through mortality. I know that you're busy. I have no doubt that you are so busy about our Father's business; but I cling to the hope that John's gentle, sweet, and reassuring words are true. I hope that even though I can't see you, you are sometimes here. I wonder if you were there with me at Ruby's dance class today. It seems as if I could almost feel you right there with me. Did you see her movements, her expressions, her enthusiasm as she sang and danced to You are my Sunshine...the very song that you taught me when I was her age? To this day, when I hear that song, I still think of you...and how your light could brighten even the darkest, dreariest of skies. As I watched my other little sunshine dance and sing today, I silently cried and secretly wished, that maybe what I had been feeling was true. That maybe, just maybe, you were there watching. Did you see her? And if you did, isn't she the sweetest little sunshine you've ever seen?

I don't think this sometimes dark and overcast world...could ever have too much sunshine.

Thank you for being my very first ray of sunshine. You and your memory still light up my grey skies.

I love you.



Brooke said...

I am so sorry, and although I cannot find the right words to say, I hope your day today is better! Love you!

sarahtuckett said...

There is no doubt that your mom is aware of everything you do Nicole. How you serve your family, in your calling... but more important... how you love you family and those you serve. I know that is exactly how your mother was, and because of her, you are the person you are today. I know she is close by. I love you!

KellyB said...

If there is anyone in this world that I would put in the category of "most Christ like" it would be you and I am sure it is because of what you learned and continue to learn from your mother. What an example you are to everyone. I love you so much.

Jess and Matt said...

I wholeheartedly agree with everything John said. Your mom is present in your life, and aware of everything you do, your feeling, your emotions. I love to hear about how wonderful your mom was, and I can't help but think you are just like her. I cannot imagine the anguish of losing a mother. I cannot imagine your sorrow and the ache you feel in your heart. I have no doubt your mom felt your feelings and was there for you at Ruby's class...reminding you of sunshine.

natalie eve said...

aw nicole. i feel for you. i wish there is something that could be done to make it better... but you must be a strong one because we know we are not given any trials that we cannot bear. and trials only make us stronger and closer to our Heavenly Father.

disillusioned said...


I'm going to send you an e-mail...but, yes, your mom and Isaac are there...far closer than you know. General authorities have actually talked about such things. I know they're there....will e-mail.

Love--Mary P.

diana said...

oh nicole, i echo all of these sweet comments. i'm so glad you let me in on your thoughts this afternoon when we chatted.

but you are strong and you are the biggest and brightest sunshine for two very important little people. and while you feel as though your sunshine has been taken away, you are still here and they still have YOU! that in itself is the greatest blessing.

Danielle said...

Wow, Nicole. This resonated with me quite profoundly. I've been missing my mother lately, too. Last night after Ballet, when yet another person (my teacher even) told me that I can't do it, I just BAWLED and ACHED for my mother. This morning, I couldn't even make it through my children's lit class, the tears came streaming down.

First, I want you to know that John is right. I may not know you exceptionally well, but from what I have seen... You're mother is, no doubt, PROUD of you. I'm sure she beams with joy over the amazing woman, wife and mother you are, Nicole. And you are; you're such a marvelous example.

I hope that I'm not out of line by saying this... Just know that you're in my prayers.

PS: Ruby is just too, too, too cute!

Danielle said...

PS: My mother would ask me to sing "You are my Sunshine" all the time when I was a kid. It was her favorite song!

Celeste said...


I too echo all of the comments above. Everything I would like to say has already been said above. You are amazing. That day will be glorious when you and your mom (and Isaac) get to see and embrace each other again after all these years.

From knowing you and getting to know you I can only imagine what a powerful woman your mother was. I love you!

Heather said...

You are such a talented writer! Your posts always make me cry.

Nicole, I miss your mom too. She was a truly remarkable person, and I have no doubt that she is very busy with our Heavenly Father, saving even more souls now than she did on this earth. I also have no doubt that she is so incredibly proud of you, and the amazing woman you are! You have always been such a great example of faith and strength to me. I'll never forget the overwhelming feeling of peace that filled the stake center when we all sang "I know that my redeemer lives" at her funeral. Your strength really does amaze me! Your mom was one of the most Christ-like people I knew, growing up, and you are following in her footsteps!
There is absolutely no way that my sister and our family could have dealt with giving up sweet Asher to anyone other than you. He is SO blessed to have you as his mother!

Ethel Carola Aredes Tapia said...

ahy amiga se que es muy duro el adelanto de nuestro seres queridos recuerda amiga que tu madre como tu hijos fueron personas muy especiales en este tiempo que desarrollaron su potencial y ahora estan progresando en otro grado y ellos te llevan la ventaja
en este tiempo ahora tienes la gran bendicion de ser esposa de un buen hombre y dos hermosos hijos por el cual debes velar y cuidar tomando las fuerzas que te dan tu madre y hijo que pasaron el velo ellos son tus angeles que te cuidan y te aman con un inmenso amor eterno ellos requieren mucho de ti para poder estar junto para siempre como familia eterna
recuerda nuestra promesa de la mision amiga que nos esforzariamos al maximo para estar por siempre y para siempre
por siempre y para siempre ellos estaran contigo y te aman mucho eres muy bendecida por tenerlo en tu vida como angeles protectores
te amo amiga se que eres fuerte y que podras superar este periodo de probacion aunque aveces no comprendas todo lo que te puede pasar y recuerda que todas las pruebas que vas superando te vas acercando mas a ellos