Last night I was missing you so badly, it hurt. I cried. I cried a lot. It was the kind of cry where you cry so hard, you almost can't breathe. I'm sure you cried like that from time to time when you were here. I even wonder if you sometimes cry like that now...that you're not here. I'm sure it hurts you just as badly as it does us, that you can't be here, that you are no longer able to play an active role in our lives. I wonder if you realize, however, that through the life you lived, through the example you set, through the legacy you left behind, you still play an important, and active role in my life. So many decisions I make are governed by the very thought, "what would mom do in this situation?". As I lay there last night gushing great sobs of anguish, my sweet John held me in his arms, and assured me that you are still here. That you and our sweet Isaac are very aware of us...of me. That you're proud of me and of the life I'm conducting. That you know, and love, and absolutely adore your precious grandchildren. That your heart swells with pride as you watch them learn, and grow, and progress through mortality. I know that you're busy. I have no doubt that you are so busy about our Father's business; but I cling to the hope that John's gentle, sweet, and reassuring words are true. I hope that even though I can't see you, you are sometimes here. I wonder if you were there with me at Ruby's dance class today. It seems as if I could almost feel you right there with me. Did you see her movements, her expressions, her enthusiasm as she sang and danced to You are my Sunshine...the very song that you taught me when I was her age? To this day, when I hear that song, I still think of you...and how your light could brighten even the darkest, dreariest of skies. As I watched my other little sunshine dance and sing today, I silently cried and secretly wished, that maybe what I had been feeling was true. That maybe, just maybe, you were there watching. Did you see her? And if you did, isn't she the sweetest little sunshine you've ever seen?
I don't think this sometimes dark and overcast world...could ever have too much sunshine.
Thank you for being my very first ray of sunshine. You and your memory still light up my grey skies.
I love you.