pause

Do you ever find yourself wishing there was a pause button for life? I know I do...like almost everyday. My little Ruby girl is growing up way too fast. Yesterday, the two of us we were holding a full, complete, and understandable conversation. It about made me cry. And then she walked away, and did this little flip of her hair, and I swear I was watching a teenager exit the room. That did make me cry. It's funny, because some days, I feel like saying to her "why don't you just grow up?!" Like when she fed Asher that safety pin...or when she pushed him off the bed - and then continued watching her tv program like nothing ever happened...or when she dumped formula on his head...or whenever she throws a tantrum at the grocery store, or in the parking lot - right in front of a car trying to get by...or when she screams "YOU STUPID!" at the top of her lungs...or when she lies directly on top of Asher while he's taking a nap - causing him to wake in a sudden panic (she did that one just this morning). Aside from these few instances, however, she really is the sweetest thing on the planet.
I cherish our nights together. I love the fact that every night she says, "mom, I wanna snuggle". And to her, snuggling means getting right on top of me (I think that's what she was trying to do with Asher today...just wanted to snuggle with her brother). She is so lovey and affectionate. I love how she gives compliments, too. She always tells me, "mom you look so pretty...pretty like a pretty princess!" I love hearing that, especially since I've been feeling anything but pretty these days. The other day, however, we were lying on the bed together, and she said "mom, I scared". When I asked her what she was afraid of, she answered, "I scared of you, mom". Why are you afraid of me? "Your makeup is scaring me", she replied. I did happen to be wearing a lot of eyeliner that day...I love her honesty.
I love how every morning for breakfast, she wants "urgurt and cottage cheese", and how she also calls macaroni and cheese - cottage cheese. I love how whenever I try to put her in her own bed, she says "no, please mommy, I wanna sweep in oars (yours)". I love how she calls ramen noodles "Ramón Nuñez"...one time she called it "sgetti soup". I love how, to her, everything is "WONDERFUL". I love that she loves chocolate bars and diet coke. I love it when she says "mommy, I wanna hold you". Among other things, I love to hear her pray...I love her voice, and her lisp when she says her s's...I love her chubby little body, and her thin wavy hair...I love her crooked teeth and her macaroni toes...I love her swirvey walk, and her hearty laugh...and her big blue eyes...and her cherubic face...and her porcelain skin...and her perfect hugs...and her irresistible smile...and her "I love you's"...and her "I'm sorry's"...and the way she brushes my hair...and her homemade shakes...PAUSE.

Oh, if only it were that easy.