seriously?

This is how Asher revolts against being dressed in a pink apron...

my little stellaluna...

Today was Ruby's first day of school. This is her last year of preschool before she enters kindergarten. I cannot believe she is already so grown up. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, taking her to school. Probably because I got to go with her for the first day. It was nice to be able to meet her new teacher, and have a tour of her classroom. Miss Arlene met with the parents, while her assistants took the children and read them a story - Stellaluna. I haven't read it myself, but I know it's the story of a fruit bat who gets separated from her mother. I'll have to read it to see how the story really applies, but I can't help but think of Ruby as my little Stellaluna. It's hard to send my first born out in the world. I sometimes wish I could just keep her home forever, tucked safely in my arms...but let's be honest, how healthy would that be? I guess I can only pray that while she's away, she'll be watched over and protected. That she won't be [negatively] affected by all the craziness this scary world has to offer. That she'll remain true to herself and to her values. I'm really excited about her preschool program this year. It's Christian based, which means that she'll be learning stories from the Bible as well as the Book of Mormon. Her teacher also promised that by the end of the year, she'll be reading! So yes, my little Stellaluna and I may suffer from some separation anxiety in the beginning...but ultimately, it will be for the best. I couldn't be more excited for this new year, and for it's endless possibilities.

Enjoying some playtime at school and holding "Stellaluna" the bat.

Ruby is sad to have to come home...while Asher, with his headband and name tag in place, is anxious to head out the door.

AS [we love] HER

i just came across this picture...this treasure. it's like i'm just now seeing it for the very first time, though, which seems strange - only because it was i who took it. perhaps, if i had noticed it before, it wouldn't have had such a profound affect on me. maybe i needed to discover it now. now. because i've been feeling like i might be at my wit's end. now. because i'm afraid i've been losing focus. now. because i've been impatient, and abrupt, and quick-tempered with my little asher... which has caused me to start questioning my abilities and my role as his mother. i was surprised at how easily the whole mothering thing came to me the moment ruby was placed in my arms. it was as if i had been born for that very purpose...i had literally waited my whole life for the chance to be a mother; and when the opportunity came, it was like i just knew what to do. it didn't take me long to identify her different cries and to know what each one meant. most of the time if she was upset, it was because she just needed to be snuggled and held close...a gentle kiss on her soft cheek was sure to take away any hurt or discomfort she may have been experiencing. ruby started communicating early on. if she couldn't speak it, she'd simply sign it. it was never much of a challenge to figure out her wants and needs. ruby has always been easy to please...and even easier to love.
and then there's my asher. from almost the moment he was placed in my arms, he's been a challenge. he developed a double ear infection when he was just two weeks old and was hospitalized for 4 days. his first year of life he was plagued with the pains and discomforts that accompany acid reflux; and as a result, was alarmingly underweight and malnourished. even though he's pretty much out grown the reflux, he still vomits when he gets worked up or over-eats (which he tends to do quite often). he also struggles with asthma, and at the onset of just a minor cold, an albuterol treatment is required to keep the runny nose from escalating into a full blown respiratory infection. and if all of that doesn't sound terrible enough, the poor kid has got some major digestive/bowel issues. i will refrain from going into detail on this one, as i would hate to damage his little psyche...but can i just say BAD? on top of all the health problems, my little ash man is a ball of energy...and that's putting it lightly. just watching him in action will wear anyone out. he's constantly moving, and going, and running, and jumping, and getting into things. i seriously cannot keep up with him even half of the time. it's not just that he's entering the "terrible twos". and he's more than just "all boy". i would go so far as to say that he operates on an entirely different plane - a plane inhabited by the tasmanian devil...and maybe animal from the muppets.

maybe Heavenly Father decided that i needed some humbling in mothering, and so he sent me asher. i don't know, but i must admit, since he came into my life, i have learned a few lessons in humility...as well as patience, and unconditional love. but i'm nowhere near where i need to be. because like i mentioned earlier, i feel like i might possibly be at my wit's end. i'm treading water. at times i'm barely breathing. and sometimes it's all i can do to keep from losing my mind...
and then the Lord, like he always does, extends a small tender mercy - a lone photograph, among thousands, that has the power to soften my heart, give me perspective, and increase the love i feel for my precious baby boy. i love how asher is the focal point, the subject, of the photograph. he's the center, the life of the image. the sunlight rests on him, and only him. his older sister lies quietly in his shadow. his father, eyes closed, reverences him...expressing tenderness through a soft smile and a gentle touch. even asher, himself, seems to outwardly manifest a spirit of reverence, as he delicately and trustingly rests his head on his daddy's body. this image does something to me. it moves me. it speaks right to my heart...it tells me that right now, in this moment, asher - my asher, is the only thing that matters in the whole entire world.

john and i went to the temple today and did sealings. we were able to be proxies, or agents, authorized to act on behalf of the dead. we were instrumental in sealing several marriages together beyond the grave...for eternity. i was privileged to be the proxy for a number of daughters as they were sealed to their parents. by so doing, i was able to reflect upon the blessings and promises that were given to asher the day he was sealed to us. that day, he was endowed with all the blessings of being born in the new and everlasting covenant -or the gospel of Jesus Christ. that day, he became ours - our son...just like ruby is our daughter.

we have a plaque with our son's name on it. it was given to me by a very dear friend at my baby shower, and it hangs on the wall above the window in the kids' room. A-S-H-E-R, it reads, in big capitol letters. one evening, as we were congregating in the room for family prayer and scriptures, i noticed that john was staring at the plaque. have you ever noticed the way his name is spelled? he asked. as-her. wow i thought. pretty profound. something we definitely hadn't thought of as we contemplated calling him asher, but how very fitting. ruby was born to me...asher was born to another. but that doesn't matter, because we love him every bit as much AS HER. ruby was born in the covenant...asher was sealed to us later. but that doesn't matter, because we love him every bit as much AS HER. ruby was an easy baby, and an even easier toddler...nothing about asher is easy. but that doesn't matter, because we love him every bit as much AS HER.

i am so grateful for a morning at the temple, a name board hanging on the wall, and a simple photograph...all of which have reminded me how much i love my little asher, and what an honor and privilege it is to be his mother.

look what asher did...

this morning ruby and asher were playing together in their playroom while i was in the other room folding laundry. suddenly ruby burst into tears and came running from the room. mom she wailed, look what asher did to me. as distraught as she sounded, i had prepared myself for the worst - maybe a gash to her head? a welt or possibly a cut somewhere on her body? i braced myself, and then i saw this...

ruby had been depantsed by her 2 year old brother. hilarious.

asher the crasher

i know it's been about a year since i last blogged. i'd like to say it's because i haven't been home much...that i've been running, and going, and doing...busy with summer and family activities, church responsibilities, working out, service endeavours, date nights, social events, play dates, etc, etc, etc. truth is, these things have occupied my time, but certainly have not sucked away my every last spare minute. i used to consider myself one of the world's best bloggers...ensuring that i posted something new at least 4 or 5 times a week - sometimes even multiple times per day. the things is, i've always been a busy person. i've always been on the go. i've always had a full calendar of events; and yet, i've always made time to blog. so what's the difference now? why do i allow a lapse of weeks (sometimes even months) between blog posts? i'll tell you what the difference is - i've never before had a (nearly) two year old asher. believe me when i say, that boy is giving me a run for my money. in fact, if asked to describe my son in 5 words, here is what i would say: asher is a crasher, trasher, basher, splasher, gasher, dasher, and smasher...in no particular order. oops, was that more than five? my bad. seriously, he's the reason i can't blog anymore. if i were to attempt to sit down and work on a post during his waking moments, i'm convinced he'd find a way to burn the house down. that boy climbs up on everything, he jumps off of everything, he gets into everything, he breaks everything. whatever i do, he undoes. whatever i straighten, he messes up. if i put it away, he gets it out. he tears, he rips, he shreds. he scribbles upon, throws away, and flushes down (yes the toilet) anything and everything he can get his hands upon. since he figured out how to climb out of his crib, the piece of furniture was deemed useless, and we opted to take it down. it was wonderful in the beginning, as it created a nice open space in the kids' room. the cons of that decision, however, began to far outweigh the pros, as it gave our little ash man more freedom to do what he does best - which is to crash, smash, and trash. the other day, only moments after putting him down for his nap (he now sleeps in a trundle that pulls out from under ruby's bed), i heard a loud crash. i burst in the room, and discovered that he had attempted to climb his curtains...which resulted in pulling the entire curtain rod from the wall, and leaving two ghastly holes in the sheet-rock. a couple of days later, i again heard a startling crash -this time followed by a piercing scream. i again burst through the door, only to find that he had managed to pull his entire dresser on top of himself. i have no doubt this was the result of his attempting to scale it. looks like we'll now be bolting that piece of furniture (and many others) to the wall, as i'm fairly confident he will repeat the offence. that's one thing about my little asher, he does not give up until he accomplishes the task at hand, until he comes out conquering.

*note: this room was in pristine order prior to putting him down for his nap. notice the curtain hanging from the bed post. yeah, this was the day he decided to test his upper and core body strength by climbing the drapes. oh asher.

i have gone into his room after a nap (on more than one occasion), only to discover it in a complete upheaval - diapers and wipes scattered all over the floor, the contents of the trash can strewn throughout the room, dresser drawers emptied out, changing table bins and canisters devoid of their substance. ughhh...just writing about it wears me out. so during the day, while he sleeps, i'm usually dealing with the aftermath of his waking annihilation. and at night, after he goes to bed, i'm too tired to even think about recording the events of the day. so believe it or not, asher is the culprit...he's the one to blame for my blogging hiatus. i promise as soon as i can get a handle on this, i will be back...and let's just hope - for the sake of preserving my sanity - it's sooner rather than later.

* note: these pictures are evidence that he does have a sweet side, which i promise to write more about in a subsequent post. trust me, i'm crazy about my son...he just enjoys keeping me on my toes is all.

my dear little

ruby,



you turned 4 nearly a week ago. every day since your birthday i have thought about taking some time to jot down my feelings...truth is, momma has been busy with so many different things...running here and there, doing this and that. it seems like every night i'm just too exhausted, and all i really want to do is cuddle up with you and drift off to sleep. finally last night i was able to sit down at the computer to write all about your birthday and your party, but you lay on the bed looking up at me with the biggest, saddest eyes. then you asked me if i could come and hold you until you fell asleep. well that was a request i couldn't pass up...i figured the blogging could wait one more day. i wrapped my arms around you and we stared into each others eyes. we were so close, our noses practically touched. i watched as your eyelids became heavy and within just a minute or two, you were sound asleep. i continued to hold you there in my arms for a long while. i thought about the past four years and how much my love for your has grown. i still remember so vividly the day you came into our lives. you didn't make a peep when you were born...in fact, in a way it kind of scared your daddy and me. nobody else in that room seemed to be concerned though, and then that sweet nurse laid your tiny little body on my chest. i wondered what you were thinking about as i watched you gaze around the room and then stare up into momma and daddy's eyes. i couldn't fathom how it was even possible to love this tiny little stranger the way that i did. and then last night all those same feelings came flooding back, as i once again, held you close to my heart. in fact, since our very first encounter on that beautiful sunday afternoon, over four years ago, we have had thousands of moments like these...moments i wish i could freeze and stay in forever. your dad and i used to keep you in our bed and take turns holding you and snuggling you at night. it wasn't until you were 8 months old that we finally decided it was time for you to be in your own bed. that was one of the hardest things for me to do, but i knew it would be better for all of us in the long run. that lasted about a year and a half...and then you were back in our bed every night...and still are to this day. i know you're a big girl, and that you should probably be in your own big girl bed; but it just breaks my heart to leave you in your room screaming and crying the way that you do. what is it that plagues you? what do you worry about? what are you afraid of? well, that big world out there is a scary enough place, i never want you to be afraid in the walls of your own home. i want it to be a safe place for you...a haven. and if being in mommy and daddy's bed makes you feel the very safest of all, then know that you are always welcome there. truth is, we kind of like it too. i just figure that soon enough the day will come that you won't want to sleep in our bed anymore; and then i think i'll be longing for the days when you did. i cherish every moment i can cuddle up to you and feel your warm little foot against my leg. i cherish you, my sweetheart, and i cherish the 4 years that you've been a part of my life. i love you more now than i did when i first laid eyes on you, and i never thought that would be possible. the love i feel for you in this moment is...well, it's so strong my feeble words can't even express it. hopefully one day you'll understand. happy birthday, my dear little ruby.

all my love,

your mom

little eskimo...

it's been so long since i've signed into my blogger account, i almost forgot how. i guess it goes without saying i have a lot of blogging to catch up on. sometimes i get so overwhelmed with everything i haven't blogged about, that i just stop blogging altogether. so tonight i convinced myself to just start with something...hopefully this will motivate me to keep on going, even if i sometimes get behind.

this past year has been an interesting one with miss ruby and her dance class. she has had a bit of a love/hate relationship with it. in the beginning she loved it and was a total ham. she used to ask me every morning mom, do i have dance class today? after each class, she would come home and show me all of her dances...practicing her shuffle steps, arabesques, and somersaults multiple times a day. however, about mid-way through the year - during the first 5 minutes of one of her classes - she came running out to me from the studio, sobbing. i couldn't get her to tell me what had happened, and still to this day, it remains a mystery. she threw a fit about going to dance for several weeks following this puzzling incident. it wasn't until my friend, diana, came and picked her up one day, and took her to dance class with her daughter, ava (who happens to be ruby's best friend in the whole wide world), that ruby decided she liked dance again. it's been off and on like this throughout the year. some days she would be be completely thrilled to go, and other days it was like pulling teeth to convince her that she loved dance and needed to go to class. all in all, it turned out to be a good experience for her.



for several weeks they have been preparing for the big recital show; and just last week, we were privileged to see the fruits of their labor. i won't go into much detail in writing about how absolutely darling their numbers were, or about how my heart melted every time my little princess wiggled her hips - rather, i think i'll just post the videos here and let you judge for yourself...

*in both dances, ruby is on the far left

an eternity

John and I celebrated 6 years of marriage this week. It seems weird that we've only been together six years (well 8 if you count the two years we dated), because to me it feels like we've been hand in hand our entire lives. We enjoyed a perfect dinner together on the patio of a fancy restaurant. The weather was flawless -not too hot, not too cold - just that untainted, exquisite, room temperature feel. That's always my favorite. Walking outside and not feeling a thing. The sunset was beautiful. We were able to relish in it's delicacy as we sat on the dock waiting for our gondola ride. We laughed as we viewed the silly pictures we had taken of each other on our camera's lcd screen...and we also got some amusement out of our matching plaid outfits - which, surprisingly, were not planned.


After explaining the fortuity of our situation to our gondolier, she concluded that our relationship must be destined, because - not only were our shirts plaid - their pigments were also complimentary on the color wheel. Imagine that.

I like to think that our marriage was destined for (and because of) reasons far more important and substantial than just a coincidental coordinating accouterment. But it was a cute thought. Our boat ride around the lake was perfect and romantic...well, for the most part...we actually had to exert a great deal of restraint to avoid laughing while we were being serenaded to. I'm so glad the poor girl was behind us so as to not see the tears streaming down my cheeks and onto my lap...and I certainly hope it was too dark for her to notice how bad our bodies were shaking as we silently split our sides. It was so ill-suited - but at the same time - so outside of our ability to control. She had a beautiful, effortless sound, which reverberated across the entire lake; and the bay's acoustics were unparalleled. It just caught us off guard when she belted out that first note - which we were never fully able to recover from. And unfortunately (or fortunately) - for the 10 minutes she sang - the two of us worked our abs extensively.

I love my John. I love spending time with him. I love talking with him, and laughing with him (even when it's sometimes inappropriate). He has rightfully earned the role of being my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him, nor do I remember much about my life before he entered it. It really just feels like we've been together for an eternity...and maybe it's because...we have.

Happy anniversary, my sweet.

gearing up

This year we won't be going to church on Easter, but rather, listening to our prophet speak to us in the comfort of our own living room. I love general conference, and always look forward to it with anticipation. I am so excited that it falls on Easter this year. I think that conference will make Easter more special, and I think that Easter will make conference more special. Does that make any sense? I look forward to just being able to focus on the Savior and Easter in a spiritual, symbolic sense. Easter mornings are usually pretty crazy at our house...trying to get everybody dressed and ready for church, looking just right in our coordinating attire, getting that one perfect family photo (which never happens, btw), etc. I love that we were able to take care of all of that last week, so that this Sunday - Easter Sunday - we can really focus, and worship, and hopefully be edified, uplifted and rejuvenated. I can't wait.

Here we are in our matchy-matchy outfits this year...

Bottom two photos compliments of Ruby

because of Him

We had a lot going on this weekend, and while we ran from here to there, I was taken with thought. Many of the activities we participated in and attended, provoked some serious reflection and even stirred some raw emotion inside of me.

Saturday we attended a funeral. Our neighbor in the house right behind ours passed away after a long and courageous battle with cancer. I was so saddened to hear of his passing. He was such a sweet man, and was always kind to us and to our children. We sat toward the back of the chapel for the service, but from where I was sitting, I had a direct view of one of his sons sitting on the front row with his wife. I watched as the two of them held each other tightly and sobbed. I couldn't help but feel their heartache, as I know and understand all too well the pain and anguish of losing a parent. Feelings of my own mom's passing, as well as the memories of the day we lowered her body into the cold hard ground, came flooding back...and the tears came fast and hard. I cried for my friends sitting there on the front row (because I know how difficult the upcoming days, weeks, months, and even years, will be for them) and I also cried for me...because, although it's been over 12 years since my mom's passing, it sometimes still hurts as if we lost her just yesterday.

For some reason my heavy heart from Saturday carried over into Sunday...and I just couldn't shake it. Then I realized that it was my mom's birthday, and that if she were still here today, we'd be ringing in her 55th year of life. It made me sad to think about all the birthday's she's missed...not just her birthdays, but my birthdays, (and my kids' birthdays, and my siblings' and my dad's)...and not just birthdays either, but weddings, and sealings, and the birth of her 7 grandchildren. It just doesn't seem right or even fair to have all of those experiences and not be able to share them with your mother.

Last night, though, we attended a fireside in the backyard of one of our bishopric members. At the beginning of the year a challenge was issued to all the members of our ward to read the Book of Mormon in 90 days (approx. 6 pages per day), which would put us completing it in it's entirety, just in time for general conference. I love challenges, and I love the Book of Mormon, (and I especially love a good Book of Mormon challenge) so the decision to participate was an easy one for me. Before we began our reading, we were encouraged to take note of how many times the Savior was mentioned on each page. With my blue highlighter pencil in hand, I began my reading; and soon found that I was pausing every 15-30 seconds to mark another mention of His name. The Lord of Hosts, Jesus, The Almighty, Holy One of Israel, Christ, Lamb of God, Creator, Lord, Only Begotten Son, Redeemer, Messiah, Lord Omnipotent, Holy One, Son of Righteousness...and so on. As I got going, I was blown away. There were pages where He was mentioned 15-20 times, and some even more. I have read the Book of Mormon countless times throughout my life, and each time I pull something different and special from my experience; but this time was particularly special because as I was searching for my Savior in my reading, as I was focusing my thoughts and feelings toward Him...my relationship with Him was strengthened, my love for Him increased, and my understanding of His infinite sacrifice and atonement was enhanced. I came to know and understand something I really thought I already knew...that the Savior is the central figure of the Book of Mormon. The book truly is another Testament of Him. It was fascinating to read of all the ancient prophets - long before His time on earth -who prophesied of His birth and atonement. And then of all those that lived after His crucifixion and death - who also prophesied of Him as being our Savior and Redeemer. I particularly loved, this time around, reading about His personal visit to the Nephites on the American continent, my heart was touched as He taught them the Beatitudes, and of course, when He blessed their beloved little children. And when He prayed for them, and how His words were so sacred that they couldn't be repeated or even recorded. I often wonder if He prays for me the way He prayed for them. And then I have to remind myself that I know He does.

It was so peaceful the night of our fireside, sitting outside under the beauty of the stars and the light of the moon. It was just a small group of saints, but the Spirit was powerful as we each shared some of our individual thoughts and feelings...our testimonies of the Book of Mormon and of the Savior. I was so grateful for the experience, because finally the heavy heart that I had carried with me through the weekend, felt light. And it was made light because of Him. He bore our griefs so that we wouldn't have to suffer alone. Because of Him, we can have hope. He abolished death, and overcame the grave. And because of Him, we will live again. And if we do our part, we will live again - with those whom we loved the most in mortality. Because of Him, my grief stricken, heart-broken friends sobbing on the front row at their father's funeral, will find peace and comfort, they will be reunited with him again one day. Because of Him, I will see my mom again, and not only will I be able to embrace her and rejoice...but we will be together throughout the eternities. It's all made possible because of Him - our Savior, Jesus Christ. He paved the way, and made it all possible. I am so blessed to have had this special experience with the Book of Mormon, and another special moment when the Spirit put everything into perspective for me, and taught me that all of this, everything, the whole purpose of our existence, the air we breath, the relationships we have, the experiences for learning and growth, birth and death, resurrection, and the opportunity for exaltation and eternal life...is all made possible because of Him.

field day

It's been so long since we've been able to enjoy a Saturday together as a family. I used to really look forward to Saturdays (back when life was a little less complicated). Now our Saturdays are usually devoted entirely to cleaning, organizing, yard work, grocery shopping, and our church callings. In fact, it's rare that John has a Saturday void of some kind of church assignment. I'm not trying to complain, but I would be lying if I were to say that I didn't miss the good old, carefree, leisurely - and even action packed - Saturdays of times past. I had a small church assignment to take some pictures at the mesa temple last Saturday, but was home by 9:00, and surprisingly, John didn't have a single thing going on. We decided to take advantage of our open schedule and make a field day of it. First we went to breakfast and stuffed ourselves silly. Seriously, I was in some real pain as we walked through the parking lot and out to our car. I decided that it just wasn't right...eating that much.

After a short recovery, we were off to our next event - a spring training game. I love springtime in Arizona. It's so nice to have winter leave when it's supposed to. (Although we have relatively moderate winters, I still get sick of the cold, and ready for the warm weather). This past week has been absolutely beautiful with temperatures in the mid 80's. Because of Arizona's perfect climate, we (along with Florida), get to host the Major League Baseball teams for spring training. There are stadiums all around the valley, including one just a few miles from our house. A few weeks ago, we were at Last Chance and John found a great deal on a couple of A's hats. We went ahead and purchased them for the sole purpose of attending an A's spring training game. The A's stadium is close to 30 minutes from our house, but since we had the hats, we couldn't pass it up - even though there were several games which were closer. Plus John served his mission in Oakland, so it was kind of fun to go and cheer for the team city, that holds a special place in his heart.

Asher had a blast at the game...drinking mountain dew, digging his hands into our tray of cheesy nachos, eating his very own hot dog, socializing with the crowd...not to mention his complete infatuation with the sport and it's players. John and I laughed as we watched his head move from left to right, left to right...he was following the ball intently as a couple of the players were warming up along the sideline. And he made a game of stealing our hats from our heads and then putting them on his own. He was a true fan.

Ruby, on the other hand, was clearly not feeling it. The pictures tell it all. Poor girl had assured us that she felt up to going out, despite the fact that she was up half the night barking like a seal and gasping for air. She was not loving the baseball game like Asher was; and unlike her brother - who was seriously cheasin' it every time I lifted the camera, Ruby refused to smile for a single photo. And while Asher was soaking it all up and enthralled in every detail, Ruby was pretty incognizant of anything and everything going on around her.

Luckily, after getting a little rest on our drive home, Ruby was recharged and all geared up for our night at the drive-in. We made a bed in the back of our explorer, brought a ton of treats, and took a trip with Alice into the bizarre and fanciful world of Wonderland.

By the end of the day, we were exhausted, but also revitalized...if that makes any sense. Although it was busy and tiresome, It was a much needed day of family bonding and togetherness. And it felt so good to neglect the cleaning, the laundry, and the yard work...for something that will not only strengthen and build our familial ties, but that will, without a doubt, accord us sweet and lasting memories.

glass flowers

Ruby: Here mom, I have some lovely flowers for you.

Me: Thank you Ruby, but I thought I asked you not to pick any more of our flowers.

Ruby: I didn't pick our flowers, mom! I got them from the the market. Yeah, I just walked to the market, and saw these most beautiful shiny flowers, and I asked the man if I could get them, and he said yes, and then he told me that they were made of glass, kind of like Cinderella's slippers. So I brought them home from the market just for you, mom.

Me: Wow, that's quite the story. You wouldn't lie to me now would you?

Ruby: No! I Promise.


What the girl lacks in integrity, she makes up for in imagination.