should i be concerned?

both ruby and asher had their halloween parties at school today. ruby's not allowed to dress up at her school, which made me kind of sad. only because some of my very best childhood memories are of me and my siblings dressing up on halloween, going to school, being able to see all of our friends in their costumes, showing off our own (which my mother always made), and participating in the school halloween parade. all the parents came to see their children traipse around the elementary school's gym, and moms and dads always oohed and awed, clapped and cheered, as their children proudly flaunted their ensembles for all to see and admire. i looked forward to one day being able to do that with my own children. but alas, it may never happen. so instead we picked her up an orange pumpkin t-shirt, and a pair of black sparkly leg warmers. she was as pleased as punch when she walked out the door. john wore his traditional halloween work outfit (i don't think it's changed in 5 years) - black slacks, black button up dress shirt, and an orange tie. very profesh, if i do say so myself. asher was the one who was actually permitted to wear a costume, but i wasn't thrilled about having him wear his true costume (which will be revealed this evening), so i gave him another option. a pirate. a rough and tough (and very manly) buccaneer. and he HATED it! i mean, he absolutely LOATHED it. one look at it, and he thrusted himself down upon the ground, and threw the world's hugest fit known to man. john had to pin him down to keep him from wrecking havoc to the house, or even worse...to himself...or us. it was that bad. i think it was ruby who jokingly asked, hey asher, do you want to wear my pirate costume (which is a pirate princess...dress), and he perked up like nothing i've ever seen.
YEAH! he exclaimed. in order to make it appear a bit more manly, and a little less like he was a cancer patient, i pulled down our dread-lock wig from the attic. but of course, in true asher fashion, he wanted NOTHING to do with it.

can you just see the look of death he's giving me?

and so, our little boy walked out the front door, prouder than he's ever been, dressed... as a pirate princess.
at least when i tried to pose him for a picture by the front door, he refused and went straight to the water/mud puddle, reassuring me that he is, indeed, very much BOY.





but then again, the other day i caught him with my heels on.


hmmmm. should i be concerned?

i believe

ruby just informed that she believes in Santa Claus, Zero Hero (the unseen superhero who leaves treats outside her classroom door), and Jesus.
"i believe these things to be true, mom, i really do."

well keep on believing, my little one (especially in the latter), and never let the magic of the other two die...for that's what will guard and preserve that youthful innocence...an innocence and naivete that only a child can posess.

if only i could put a freeze on time, and keep you like this forever.


i love you so.

she's one of a kind

i have so, SO much to catch up on...but judging by the way i've been feeling lately, my guess is that the "catching up" may never actually happen. maybe one day (when i have a ton of energy/ motivation, and i'm feel really, really great) i'll bust about about 50 posts.

we've been practicing for ruby's talk on sunday. it's the annual children's sacrament meeting program, and she will be giving a short talk on her experience in the salt lake temple when we took asher to be sealed into our family. she was only three, but surprisingly, she remembers quite a bit about that special day. we try to talk about it a lot...my hope is that by doing so, she will keep those memories in her heart forever. since she hasn't actually mastered reading, she will be giving her talk from memory. if she can pull it off how she's been practicing, it will be a hit. i couldn't help but post this little preview for your enjoyment. i thought it was just about the cutest thing ever...the hand motions, the facial expressions, and yes, even the bloopers.

and this is her first time through without any prompts...

and here she takes a small break from reviewing her talk, to be a frog. there's no one else quite like ruby girl...she's one of a kind, that's for sure.

and please, don't pay any attention to my pathetic self...lying (sick as a dog) on the unmade bed. it's the story of my life these past couple of months. i know, it's DANG depressing.

half way

i really can't believe that i'm already half way through this pregnancy. i think our busy summer helped the first half go by so fast, and i'm pretty sure the craziness of the holidays, which will be here before we know it, will help the second half to fly by too. at least i'm hoping that to be the case.

i know that i complain. a lot. john would be more than happy to vouch for that statement, i'm sure. it seems ridiculous to even utter one word of complaint when we've been trying for, and hoping for, and crying for, and praying, praying, praying for, this pregnancy for four and a half years. but i guess maybe since it's been over 5 years since i've had a baby, i seem to have forgotten how horribly uncomfortable, and miserable, and tiring, and nerve-racking, pregnancy can actually be. i mean the nausea, the throwing up, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the lack of energy, the varicose veins (yep this has actually happened to me this time around), the cramping, the diarrhea (oh, you don't get diarrhea during pregnancy? oh...uh...neither do i), the heartburn, the swollen body parts, the weight gain, the smells(oh the smells), the food aversions, the loss of dignity, the embarrassing surgeries (yes. hanging naked, upside down in the or, while your doctor stitches up your cervix is embarrassing. it is, trust me). and besides all the discomfort, if you're anything like me, you worry your guts out about your baby...until he's placed safely in your arms. and even then, you don't stop worrying.

i don't tend to be a super anxious person in general. but pregnancy turns me into a complete basket case. especially after the loss of our sweet baby isaac at 23 weeks. i worried my way through the entire 9 months with ruby. my doctor put me on klonopin, which is an anti-anxiety medication. it helped me to at least be able to sleep at night...but i worried nonetheless.
i'm on klonopin this time around too. and again it takes the edge off, allows me to get a somewhat decent night's sleep, and helps me to at least be able to function well enough to care for my other children. sort of. poor john. he picks up so much of the slack.
again, with this whole incompetent cervix thing that i've been diagnosed with, i just worry. despite the fact that i'm all stitched up...i still worry. i worry i will dilate too early, and the reinforcement of the stitches will be compromised. i worry i will be placed on bed rest like i was with ruby (three months was way too long then, i cannot even imagine what it would be like with two other little ones to care for). i worry that i will overdo it and put too much pressure on my cerclage, and that the stitches might just tear right through. i don't even know if that's possible? but i worry about it. i worry that out of the blue one day, jude's heart will just stop beating, and i'll have to deliver a stillborn baby. pretty morbid thoughts, i know. just trying to get my point across. pregnancy turns me into a worrier. an unhealthy worrier.

i had my mid-pregnancy ultrasound on Friday, you know...the one where they check over the entire anatomy of the baby. and, well, i guess now i have one more thing to add to my list of worries. i figured something may have been a bit off when the sonographer left (mid ultrasound), and the doctor came in to pick up where she left off. he proceeded to explain to us that our baby has what's called echogenic bowel. right now, in the 2nd trimester, it's a bit early to tell what that could actually mean...but here's what we do know: echogenic bowel is basically a bright bowel. through ultrasound the abdomen should appear to be grayish in color...our baby's is white. like the same whiteness as his pelvic bone which could easily be seen in the same scan. echogenic bowel could indicate a few things, namely, down syndrome, cystic fibrosis, some sort of infection that the baby has contracted, a blockage - which would require immediate surgery at birth, the baby could be swallowing some blood which is showing up bright on ultrasound (more common if there was a threatened miscarriage early on in the pregnancy), or, within the next few weeks or months, it could clear up on it's own, with no explanation as to it's cause...or cure. next week i will undergo a series of tests, screenings, and lab work, which may rule out (or indicate) some of these possibilities. and then they will continue to get ultrasounds (on top of the cervical length ultrasounds that i'm already having done every two weeks) of the baby to more closely monitor, and determine, the severity of the problem. right now my doctor said it's about a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10, but that they will have a much better indication in the third trimester. now, for me, it doesn't matter either way. of course, you never want to see your child suffer. no doubt you want them to get here safe and sound, and perfectly healthy in every way. but, on the other hand, i know, and have witnessed, and felt, the beautiful spirit of a special needs individual...their sweet child-like innocence, their perfect, God-like love. they are so special, and so close to their Heavenly Father. i would be honored to be given such a gift. a perfectly flawless spirit, housed inside of an imperfect, flawed body. i know that with that would come many many tears, and heartbreak, and pain, and worry (i may have to be on klonopin for life), and money, and sacrifice. lots and lots of sacrifice. but if that was Heavenly Father's plan for our family, how could i ever want or hope for anything different? the love i feel for my baby jude is indescribable, and i haven't even met him. i cannot imagine how that love will deepen and intensify when i get to see him for the very first time, and hold his tiny body (broken or whole) in my arms. nothing will compare.

even though it doesn't matter either way to us - because we know that we are in the Lord's hands, and that He has a perfect plan for our imperfect family - i guess i'm still just asking for your prayers of faith in our behalf. that our hearts and minds can be at peace...whatever the outcome. and also that maybe i can stop worrying...just a little. at least about the things that are outside my own control.

we would greatly appreciate it.

to my mini (and very masculine) mango

dear jude,

it's 4:15 am and i can't sleep. i blame it on your father's phone and more particularly, that blasted alarm. i think it must be possessed. he swears he doesn't set it. but it always goes off at random times in the morning. this morning it went off at 3:55. the problem with that is, your daddy can turn it off, roll over, and be back to sleep in a millisecond. i, on the other hand, can't. once that alarm goes off, no matter the time, i'm up for the day. it hasn't always been that way...just since you've been growing inside of me. but that's ok. i'll take you over my sleep any day of the week.

well jude, we're almost half way there! can you even believe it?! week 19. they say that you're now the size of a mango. the last ultrasound i had, i asked them to check again for me, just to make sure you were still a boy. and you are. very much so. so for this week, i think i'll call you my masculine mango.

i got my first item for you the other day. that was exciting. well...it's actually for me, but it will make things very convenient in caring for you. it's a diaper bag. a nice, big and roomy, marc jacobs diaper bag. paying for it made me miss the days (the 10 whole years) that i worked for nordstrom, and got my house 33 (that's a discount, by the way - a 33% off discount. i really don't know why they call it a house 33. it never did make much sense to me). luckily i had a couple of gift cards burning a hole in my pocket - which definitely helped cushion the blow. we're going to be so stylish, sportin' our blue marc jacobs' bag with panthers all over it. daddy calls it my "liger" bag - which is a mix between a lion and a tiger - in case you were wondering. he just likes to give me a hard time, but secretly, well not really secretly, he openly told me that he really likes it. and that's a good thing, because i'm sure he'll be wearing that thing around his shoulder plenty. i smile just thinking about it. him holding you in one arm, and the marc jacobs in the other. every thought of you, and having you in our family, makes me smile.



the night before last, your daddy was out of town. i invited your brother and sister to sleep in my bed with me. we knelt down and said our family prayer before we hopped into the great big bed. i'm not sure who said it, i mean, that was two nights ago, and you can't really expect my pregnancy brain to remember details like that when so much time has passed. but i do know that whoever said it, they prayed for you. not a single prayer is uttered in our house, without first thanking Heavenly Father for you, and then asking him to continue to bless you to grow, and to develop properly, and to be healthy and strong. we all hopped into bed. i got the middle, and your siblings snuggled up on either side of me. we read our scriptures, and then we read the book that asher picked out , which was the itsy bits spider, and the book that ruby picked out, which was clifford the big red dog (well it looks like i do remember some things). after story time, we turned out the lights, and i pulled your siblings in close to me. we held each other tightly, and each of their legs were wrapped around mine. i was completely enveloped in the moment, when something amazing happened. i started to feel your tiny legs too. only they were't wrapped around mine, thank goodness (it's way too early for that) but they were moving around, and kicking like crazy inside of me. it was maybe as close, physically, as i might ever be, to my three precious little ones all at once...
and my heart was full to the brim.

and it still is...

even though it's 4:45 am, and i should be in my big comfy bed...sound asleep. i may have to have another talking to with your father about that alarm of his. i am truly grateful, though, because it gave me this opportunity to express my feelings to you. i hope you know how much i love you, how excited i am to see you on ultrasound again tomorrow, and how even more excited i am to meet you.

take care, my baby jude...now and forever.

all my love,
your (very sleep deprived) mom

childless

man, i was so proud of myself...that i had been blogging everyday. but it only lasted a week, and then something happened. my bed rest orders were lifted, and i jumped right back into life. this past week has been so crazy, i feel like i haven't stopped to even take a breath. which is probably what will put me right back on bed rest. it's just that while i was down, all i could think about were all the things i needed to be up and doing, and well, now that i'm up - you had better believe - i'm doing! but i'll admit, i've wished a couple of times that i could go back...you know, to the simple life...that only exists when you're confined to the bed. i am exhausted. i'm telling you, you always want what you can't have (at least i seem to work that way).

one really bit of exciting news, there was a cancellation in miss stacey's preschool, and we got in! my little asher is officially a school going man...and will be for the next, say, 20 years of his life. that's a crazy, and disturbing thought. (i had best not be thinking about things like that for now - like how fast my babies are growing up - i'll end up with ulcers, i just know it.)

so here he is on the first day of school, backback on, and totally excited for the adventure that awaits him.

he started on monday, and when i picked him up - and asked him all about his day - the first thing he told me was that he went poo poo in the potty.

oh great, that means miss stacey had to wipe him, and put his undies and shorts back on him (since he takes it all off when he goes...and then can't get dressed again without assistance). great.

that's all miss stacey needs.

she is running a preschool here...not a daycare.

we have really been working on this at home (i promise stacey, we'll get it...eventually).

so instead of getting a mini candy bar when he goes #2 in the potty (which he has now mastered, obviously), he gets a candy bar when he can successfully put his underwear and shorts back on all by himself.

this has been an interesting challenge, even more so - if i dare say - than the potty training itself.

it's hard for me to sit back and watch as he puts his undies on backwards, or his shorts on upside down, or inside out.

one time his underwear were so twisted that his whole (okay i guess we have to go back to the weenie talk...just this once), weenie, was hanging out the side.

often he'll put both legs in the same hole,

and multiple times he has fallen over trying,

and ended up in tears of defeat.

i hate not being able to just do it for him, but we have to get this down.

we really do.

today was his 2nd day of school.

the minute we get in the car, he says, all excitedly, mom, i went poo poo in the potty.

oh man, asher, again? is this going to be a daily occurance at preschool?

i try to get him to go beforehand, i really do.

he went on to tell me that miss stacey wiped him and got him all dressed again.

he was so proud of that fact...like it was the highlight of his day.

well that, and he was pretty happy about being able to take a bouquet of fresh flowers to stacey in honor of her birthday tomorrow.

such a gent, my little man is.

he goes to school twice a week, for 3.5 hours each day.

it's crazy to have the house so quiet. the challenge for me has been deciding the best way to put that precious time to use.

luckily i read my scriptures in the mornings before the kids get up, or that would definitely be an important option.

so, do i run errands, kid free?

do i blog?

do i clean house, because i can do it so much quicker without the little ones on my tail?

do i organize my garage for our up and coming garage sale?
do i post things on Craigslist?
do I work on our halloween costumes?

do i call my family members and catch up on life? because again, that's nearly impossible to do with kids screaming in my ear for attention...

or do i just throw it all out the window, and take a nap?

what would you do if you were childless for 7 (prime, day-time) hours per week?

i need to take advantage of this luxury, because come february, i won't have time for much other than that little jude man, i suppose.

august 20th

august 20th is a pretty special day for this pretty special couple.

last year, on this very day, our niece, karen, married her sweetheart, morgan;

and today, exactly one year later, the two of them took their precious baby, carter, to the mesa temple - to be sealed for time and eternity.

it was beautiful.

in fact, to me, it was even more beautiful than their actual wedding day.

just for a lot of different reasons.

it was simple.

temple weddings are simple...but they are powerful, and wonderful, and perfect. because everything that God has a part in...is perfect.

the most beautiful part of it all, for me, was watching as they placed carter's tiny hand on top of his parents' at the temple alter.

he didn't even make a peep. he just stared up in reverence and awe at his dad, and then at his mom, and then he played with his mommy's ring, and then with her hair.

it was tender. it really was.

above all, what made it sweet and tender, were the blessings and promises that they were given, of course contingent upon their own faithfulness.

and carter, oh sweet baby carter, he was given the best gift of all - the gift of being sealed to his parents as if he had been born into the new and everlasting covenant.

it caused me to reflect on the day that we had our very own asher sealed to us.

it was one of the most special experiences of my life.

that day my own baby received the same blessings that baby carter received today...

blessings that his older sister, ruby, had already been given at birth - namely the blessing of being born into the covenant.

the new and everlasting covenant.

the gospel of Jesus Christ.

august 20th, like i mentioned earlier, is a very special day...for many people.

but it holds an extra special place in my heart, because it's the day that my sweet asher made his entrance into this world.

it's the day, three years ago, that i stood in a delivery room, and watched with teary eyes - the struggle his birth mother endured to get him here (he was a big baby - 10lb 10oz, and she was a very small girl).

it was the day i had anticipated for 9 months, but it was also a day that would break my heart, as i watched a young mother hand her precious newborn son, over to another mother.

i felt honored being the recipient of such a selfless gift,

but in truth, it was hard to celebrate my gain, when i knew that someone else was suffering such a loss.

a tremendous loss.

i still love and revere asher's birth mother for what she did.

i always will.

we don't keep in touch really.

i'm not even sure if she still reads my blog...but lindsay, if you happen to be reading this, please know that i feel forever indebted to you for the selfless sacrifice that you made for your baby.

for us.

he has blessed and enriched our lives more than you'll ever know.

my life, my world, my family, my eternity, has changed forever because of our precious asher. so thank you.

from the bottom of my heart.

i thank you.

ash has known for some time now that his birthday would be coming up.

he's been asking about it ever since ruby's birthday (i still need to post about that) - which was june 4th.

almost daily we hear his question, when's my birfday guuump (comin' up)?

we always tell him, august 20th, buddy, you still have to wait a couple more months, or a couple more weeks...

we found out not long ago about karen and morgan's sealing, and knew that once again, we'd have to postpone asher's big celebration.

it made us a little sad.

especially because of how he had been looking forward to "august 20th" - with such excitement and anticipation.

we figured that he's still young enough to be fooled.

he knows his birthday is august 20th, but he doesn't have a clue that august 20th...is today.

we figured we'd celebrate it next weekend, and he'd never know the difference.

it was hard not being able to tell him happy birthday today.

instead we looked for countless opportunities to tell him...without actually "telling him".

he and i woke up really early and played in the playroom for 4 hours.

john made pancakes for breakfast...usually we have cold cereal.

we took him to pick out his very own backpack for school, and then grabbed dilly bars from dairy queen and ate them at home.

i made sure to give him extra kisses, and longer hugs, and multiple "i love you's" throughout the day.

i cried as i watched him dance across the family room floor tonight before dinner.

i just couldn't believe how much he's grown up, and how fast these three years have flown by.

he can be a handful, yes.

he's active, and full of energy, and sometime knows the very buttons to push that will send me through the roof...

but it makes me sad thinking about how much i talk about, write about, and even think about those things.

it's way more often than i should.

because truth is, he's the sweetest, happiest, funniest, most tender-hearted, and spirited little three year old i know...

and that is something worthy to blog about, and talk about, and think about...

and shout from the rooftops (when he sometimes sends me through them. ha).

happy august 20th, my little man.

we'll celebrate BIG TIME next week (on august 20th), sound good?

olive or jude?

this morning ruby prayed for a girl. she prays for a girl most mornings, but maybe a bit more fervently this morning, because she knew that john and i would be going to 'phoenix perinatal' as she calls it. (most kids would just ask, oh you have a dr's appt today, mom? but not ruby, for her it's always, mom are you going to phoenix perinatal today? while some kids might inquire, how did your dr's appointment go today?? ruby's question after each appointment is hey mom, how did phoenix perinatal go? it makes me laugh. my little 5 year old...sounding all intelligent.) so anyway, she does, she prays to Heavenly Father a lot that our baby will be a girl. poor girl needs a sister for sure. she'll often (and by often i mean multiple times a day), come right up to my belly and rub it, and kiss it, and say awwww baby olive, (the girl name we've had picked out since my pregnancy of 2007 - which sadly, ended up not being viable due to it's implantation in my left fallopian tube)...and then she goes on, big sister ruby loves you so much. or it'll be something along the lines of, well hello ollie, how are you doing in there today? are you moving, and growing, and kicking a lot? i guess my whole point in telling you all this, is so that you'll better understand, that according to ruby, our baby is most definitely a girl.

this morning we had been talking about my appointment, it would just be a follow-up from my surgery a week ago, but due to our serial cervical length ultrasounds, we figured there might be a chance they would be able to distinguish baby's gender today. true, i'm only 14 weeks, but i was told by the ultrasound tech at the hospital (when i had my surgery) that she often will have a pretty good idea late in the 12th or 13th week, depending on the baby's cooperation; and, most importantly, his or her positioning. unfortunately, we weren't able to tell at the hospital...baby's legs were very closed. i drank some extra orange juice this morning, though...in hopes of seeing a very active, cooperative, leg-spreading baby on that monitor. and by golly, for once my plan worked!
so here goes.....


my dearest baby olive,
i'm sorry to have to inform you, that your time to come to earth? well, it hasn't quite arrived. your daddy and i have always felt and believed that you're up there...waiting...meant to be a part of our family. it's just the timing of it all that can be a bit confusing sometimes.so please, just have patience, and don't give up...and we promise to do the same.
now how am i ever going to break the news to big sister, ruby, that we're having a boy?

with love and (hopeful) anticipation,
your future mom

i have to admit, i was pretty shocked myself with the news; and really, i'd be lying if i were to say that i wasn't - just for a brief moment...okay maybe two - a tiny bit disappointed. i've been dreaming about our little olive for a while now. i figured that since i was finally blessed with a good viable pregnancy - after 4 years of trying - well, i guess i assumed it would be that little girl i had dreamt about for so long.
but alas, that was not part of our Heavenly Father's plan for our family...at least not just yet. i truly believe that the order, and the timing, and even the gender of our children is so intricately thought out, planned out, and even timed out by our Heavenly Father. i don't believe these things to be mere happenstance...each little detail of our families and their structure, is all part of His grand plan. I truly believe that.

so baby number three is a boy...a little buddy for asher. and after getting over the initial shock of it all, i can honestly say that i couldn't be happier. especially after seeing how perfect he was in every way. opening and closing his mouth non-stop (nurse said he was swallowing). we thought it was so funny ,though, seeing his little jaw move up and down. he was a busy little guy, that's for sure (i probably have the oj to thank for that)...moving from side to side, kicking his little legs, waving his arms and hands all over the place;and very proudly, i might add, showing off his manly parts. in fact, the nurse said, gosh, i'm sure glad you guys wanted to find out, i don't know how i ever could have kept that one a secret. it really was so obvious...even to my ignorant and untrained eye. i saw the parts, and knew they could never belong to a girl, even before the technician opened her mouth to utter a word.
see what i mean?


our appointment was early, at 8:15, so afterwards - and only because my bedrest orders were lifted (slightly) - i decided to take asher out and catch up on some very important errands .(for starters, picking up supplies to get going on our halloween costumes. like i said, very important errands!) so while it was just the two of us, i thought it the perfect opportunity to tell him our news...i knew that he would take it well. and our conversation went something like this...

mom: hey asher?
ash: what?
mom: i have a question to ask you.
ash: ok.
mom: so asher, is ruby a boy or a girl?
ash: ruby's a girl!
mom: and asher, what are you? are you a boy or a girl?
asher: (he speaks in 3rd person quite ofter) asher's a boy!
mom: right asher! good job! and guess what, ash? today we found out what the baby is...and do you know what? baby's a boy...just like asher!
asher: (doesn't say a word, but gets the hugest smile on his face...exposing that beautiful, perfect, and enormous dimple on his left cheek. i'm in love with that dimple.)

i took it that he was pretty excited, after all, actions do - more often than not - speak louder than words. these two are going to be the best of buddies.

and then that made me think of ruby again. i had until 3 (that's when she gets home from school), to think of something. i worried about her and her tender little feelings all day.

i picked her up from school at three, and an hour went by before i could say anything. i thought i would do my best to let her down lightly...and by that i meanin a fun, lighthearted, sort of way.
so here's how our conversation went (i love it, and shall never, ever forget it)...

mom: guess what ruby? mom and dad got to see the baby again today.
ruby: you did?!
mom: yeah, and guess what else? we found out what it is!
ruby: you did??!!! (on pins and needles)
mom: we sure did (picking up the ultrasound picture) and i'm going to show you this picture, and see if you can figure out what we're having just by looking at the picture.
ruby: (big smile) ok!
mom: ruby, what do you think that looks like? (pointing right where the blue arrow points in the below image)


ruby: ummmm....hmmmm...the baby's hand?
mom: no, not the baby's hand. guess again.
ruby: is it the baby's head?
mom: no, not it's head either. i'll give you a clue. what makes you and asher so different? like what makes you a girl, and asher a boy?
ruby: (puzzled expression)
mom: okay, let me rephrase that. what is the biggest difference between boys and girls? what does asher have that you don't?
ruby: (puzzled expression finally fading from her face) ahhhhh...i know now! asher has short hair!
mom: well...you're right about that, but (ha...we are getting nowhere with this) there's something else that's really different. when asher goes to the potty, what does he have that is different from you?
ruby: (a little embarrased to say it) well...asher...has...a...wienie?
mom: you're right, so now look at this picture again, and tell me, what does this look like to you?
ruby: (the light bulb finally turns on in her head...and then she starts laughing hysterically) a WIENIE!! (still laughing hysterically)
mom: yep, mom and dad saw the baby's little wienie today on the screen, so do you know what that means, ruby?
ruby: (still thouroughly entertained by all the wienie talk - which we do not typically discuss openly, much less joke about - in our home) yeah, she says...it means we're having a boy.
mom: you're exactly right, ruby, and we still feel like our olive will to come to our family, eventually, but this little guy must have been first in line. (i guess still feeling like i need to cushion the blow for her)
ruby: (as if ignoring the whole olive talk, she starts jumping up and down, and doing a wild little dance) WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!!! WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!!

okay, so that went off a lot better than i had expected. wish i hadn't worried about it the whole live long day. she then asked me what we were going to name him. jude, i told her. (the name we almost used for asher. what can i say, we're suckers for bible names, hence isaac, asher....and now jude.) jude! i like it!, she said, and then she asked me if she could call him juder. sure ruby, was my response, you can call him anything you want.

ruby: yay! we're having a boy, and his name is jude!

we're all just a little excited over here...if you can't tell.

welcome, baby jude - early february! we cannot wait to meet you, to welcome you into our family, and to introduce you to our crazy and exciting life! don't worry, you still have a few months to gear up for it.

a night on the town

it's been nearly a week since my surgery, and since i was given strict orders by my doctor to be down. i'm pretty proud of myself, if you want to know the truth, i haven't cheated very much at all. i think one of the things i've missed the most, is just the good old outside air. haven't gotten even one dose of that since i came home from the hospital friday night. and i also think i've done myself a disservice by not opening up my bedroom curtains during the day to at least catch a glimpse of the sun, and to invite some beautiful natural light into the room. it's no wonder i'm feeling gloomy these days. john called me on the way home from work and asked if i had looked out the window to see the massive storm that was heading our way. i had no idea. how could i with the blinds shut and the curtains drawn? (does that mean closed? hope so.) i got up to take a quick peek. now, i'm not a huge lover of the rain, but seeing those dark, heavy clouds that were looming overhead - just made me want to go out and take a big breath of that fresh air and catch a nice waft of that beautiful smell that always precedes the rain. i wanted (NEEDED) more than anything to get out. i begged john to take me somewhere...anywhere.he agreed on walmart only because of those nifty jazzy power chairs that they have.and i know for a fact that walmart has them, because i see at least 80 people cruisin' around the store in them every time i go. no lie. and i'm sure you do too.as we were getting ready to leave the house, ruby asked if she could take her brella (umbrella), but i talked her out of it. ruby, wouldn't it be so fun if the rain just started pouring down, and we got caught in it, and ended up completely drenched? (that's what i was secretly hoping for.) with an enormous and very hopeful smile on her face, she agreed that that would be the best thing that could ever happen to us on our little outing. john pulled right up to the front curb, and left me and the kids in the car while he went inside and picked up the jazzy. it was pretty hilarious watching him ride out of the store with it. he helped me out of the car, after which i settled my big pregnant booty right in to it. it felt like it was made just for me.after taking a minute to familiarize myself with the controls, and sanitizing the heck out of it, i invited the children to hop on for the ride of their lives.


we didn't even need a darn thing, but somehow we still managed to fill up the basket, and spent $80 on nonsense. it was worth it though. for all of those crazy stares and looks of disgust. for all of those fixtures that we nearly hit (actually we pretty much knocked over two of them).and for all of the toes that we almost ran over.
it was the best night on the town i could have dreamed of...well, except for the fact that i almost fell asleep in the checkout line, and also i was a little disappointed that we never ended up getting caught in the rain. i guess we were about an hour too early. it's pouring buckets out there right now. i may wait til john falls alseep, and then sneek out in my little nighty, and do a quick twirl or two as the rain splashes my face and soaks my hair. and then i'll crawl back into my nice warm bed, and nestle deep down into the soft covers, and drift gently off to sleep.
sounds like heaven to me.

night and day

so this is day number 5 of having to be on complete bed-rest...and i'm pretty much losing my mind. i feel lazy, and sloppy, and sluggish, and idle, and totally and completely worthless. not to mention bored and lonely. my children have been farmed out for the week. in some ways, i guess it's kind of nice, but really i just miss them like crazy; and i'm not kidding when i say i would trade this peace and quiet (and totally immaculate home), for the loud, chaotic, cheerful, (sometimes messy and cluttered - lived in, i should say) laughter-filled home, any day of the week. it's funny, because i feel like i'm always wishing for, and want what i can't have. aren't we all like that to an extent? my dream has always been to have a perfectly clean and orderly home every day of the week, and now that i have it, i just long to see asher's cars scattered all over the house, and to find one of ruby's barbie dolls in my bed. i've always said i would love a day or two to just stay in bed all day....to perhaps catch up on some much needed sleep, to read a good book, to blog...to watch 7 hours in a row of so you think you can dance (i really did that on monday...about pulled my hair out afterwards); but now that i have that time, that alone time, that me time...to do whatever the heck i want, i don't want it. i'm not interested in it anymore. i'm utterly bored of it, and entirely done with it. i want to be up and playing with my children, i want to go shopping, i want to serve others, and bring happiness to their lives. it's so much more fun to serve, and to be able to enrich the lives of others, than to lie helplessly in bed, having to be waited upon hand and foot. not that i don't totally and completely appreciate every single thing (big or small) that every single person has done for me, for us...it's just harder to be on the receiving end of service. it just plain is.

so enough of that, now i want to talk about my surgery, and recovery, and some of the differences between now, and when i had it done nearly 6 years ago with ruby.

the differences, for me, can be characterized as night and day.

and i'm really being serious.

my two experiences with the same surgery, were that different.

i was so afraid going into this because of how hard the recovery process was for me last time.

last time i was wheeled into the OR, and just moments before i was given my general anesthesia- which would put me completely under (thank goodness) - i noticed how frantically and speedily one of the nurses or OR assistants (i'm not sure of his exact title, or even who he was) was wrapping my ankles with ace bandages.

totally baffled as to why he would be wrapping my ankles, well, i just flat out asked him,

why are you wrapping my ankles?

to which he replied, so they won't slip out of those, pointing toward the ceiling to a couple of high-hanging, wide-set stirrups.

oh this is perfect, i thought, i get to hang naked, upside down, while a whole slew of people work on my...well...my you know what.

i was humiliated by the very thought, but then, like a knight in shining armor, my anesthesiologist came to the rescue with an oxygen mask in one hand, and a shot of some sweetness through my IV in the other (a great multi-tasker he was)...and i was out.

thank goodness.

there are three different types of cerclages, my dr. had explained to me, and he would be performing the shrodkar cerclage. this procedure (i'm going to sound super smart right now, but really i'm just pulling this information off the web - healthline.com) is done by dissecting the vaginal mucosa and bladder off the cervix anteriorally, and if necessary, opening the cul-de-sac (dissecting the vaginal mucosa off the cervix) posteriorally and then placing the suture as high as possible around the cervix tunneling through the cervical stroma. The cerclage is usually begun at the 12:00 o’clock position and then placed circumferentially with as few exit points as possible until the starting point is reached and the suture is tied. The vaginal mucosa is then reapproximated to cover the cerclage.

did you catch all that?

from what else i know about this type of cerclage, it is way more invasive,

technically more difficult (requiring more time in the operating room),

with greater risk for hemorrhage and infection;

and also, that it's certainly more painful to remove.

and boy can i attest to this.

having those stitches taken out that day, really was one of the most uncomfortable, and i'll go so far as to say painful, things i've ever had to endure.

when my surgery was complete, and i started to come to,

i remember a total of about 4 things.

1) i had a horrendous headache. i'm pretty sure from all of that blood rushing to my head. hanging upside down for an hour will do that to you every time. (my ankles were bruised and swollen for a few days afterward too, hmmmm...i wonder why?...not enough ace bandage for cushion, perhaps?)

2) i honestly and truly thought that i was dying. i was convinced that that was what death felt like, and i even went so far as to ask my nurse if i was slipping away.

3) my toe ring (why was i even wearing a stinking toe ring?) was cutting off all of my circulation. i screamed for someone, anyone, to just GET IT OFF OF ME! it was constricting my entire body like a horrible monster. it was the most awful and frightening feeling.

(maybe that's why i thought i was dying. i don't know?)

and

4) the last thing i remember after coming out of my surgery...until i woke up in my very own bed - hours later- was throwing up, non-stop, the entire way home from the hospital...and really for days afterwards.

i'll say it the best way i know how...it was not a very pleasant day for me. in the least.

and the recovery was just as bad...if not worse.

my dr. told me that i would most likely need a week off of work to recover.

i applied for my disability leave, and everything was set.

only, when that week was up, there wasn't any possible way that i was going to be able to return to work.

i was still bleeding like crazy, cramping like mad, and couldn't even stand upright when i walked...(that is, if i even attempted to walk at all. mostly i just lived in my bed).

i mean, i was literally in bed for two weeks straight, and not because of dr's orders to be down, but because i wanted to be down, i needed to be down.

it was hell, i tell ya, pure hell.

as dark as the darkest night.

so now i'll describe the contrast to you.

the day.

it was as bright as the brightest day can be (well for a surgery day, at least).

and other than the fact that my surgery was scheduled at three in the afternoon, and i couldn't eat or drink anything all day leading up to it, it was wonderful.

really, truly, it was.

i had the sweetest nurse in the world, and even though she missed my vein a few times, and my bed ended up looking like a crime scene (it happens every time. yeah that big, juicy, plump vein that they all think is so wonderful and perfect, it's not. it has never produced, and probably never will. you'd think i'd have said something by now. next time. next time)...

i still loved her, and thought she did a fabulous job caring for me.

my anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself, and had me laughing from the get-go.

and for those of you who really know me, it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud.

i don't know why...i think so many things are funny, and hysterical, and totally laugh-worthy...

i guess you could say i'm just more of a hold it all inside, and laugh to myself kind of person.

but this guy, he was funny. he was really, really funny.

and i couldn't help but laugh out loud following every word and phrase that come out of his mouth.

they wheeled me to the OR, and sure enough, this nurse starts wrapping my ankles, only with towels this time.

oh great, here we go again, i'm thinking to myself. but when i look up toward the ceiling, there are no stirrups to be found. instead they're set up just slightly higher than my bed, and off to the sides - spread pretty far apart - but nothing i couldn't handle...even though i'm about the least flexible person on the planet.

then the part that really surprised me...they all helped me onto the gurney, sat me up, told me to scoot as far to the back as i possibly could (without going over the edge), and then the anesthesiologist told me to put my chin to my chest, relax my shoulders, curve my back (is this sounding familiar to any of you? particularily you moms who have had babies?)...wait...what in the world are they doing to me? what about my general anesthesia? i ask. aren't you putting me under for this surgery?

oh no! they all say at once, we're giving you a spinal block. don't worry, they say, you will not feel a thing from your chest to your toes.

i couldn't believe that i was going to be awake for the procedure.

at first i was slightly embarrassed, being fully exposed the way that i was.

but then they turned up the tunes,

gave me some sweet arm rests,

and all i had to do was sit back...and do nothing...and feel nothing.

i laughed a lot (i'm telling you, that anesthesiologist was a crack up),

i tapped my feet to the music...well not really, that spinal was something mighty and fierce i'm telling you.

with all the power, strength, and energy i could muster up, i still couldn't even move a toe.

my heart and soul were doing some serious dancing though.

groovin' to tunes like bon jovi's livin' on a prayer, katy perry's california gurls, cheap trick's i want you to want me, and tom petty's free fallin'.

it was the best mix i could have asked for, and perfectly epitomized the mood and feeling of the OR experience for me.

carefree (but not too carefree, the dr. still managed to stitch my cervix, and not some other vital opening...thank you, dr.), light, jovial, friendly, and fun.

it was the best experience. and this dr. chose to do a different type of cerclage, a mcdonald cerclage...which in hindsight, i am very grateful for, as it was way less strenuous on my body, and way less invasive too.

again, i'm going to sound very intelligent here, but just pulling info from the healthline.com ( i surely don't want to go to jail for plagiarism). The primary advantages of the McDonald procedure are that it can be performed quite rapidly, with minimal risk for blood loss or infection, and can be more easily removed to permit a vaginal delivery. The disadvantages are that it usually cannot be placed as high on the cervix as a Shirodkar, and many clinicians shy away from adequate placement for fear of damaging the bladder or rectum. Indeed, in my experience, the greatest reasons for failure of McDonald cerclages are threefold: they are not placed highlyenough, deeply enough, or tied tightly enough to prevent cervical change and downward displacement of the membranes.

well, sheesh, i sure hope doc placed my cerclage high enough, deep enough, and tight enough...and protected my bladder and rectum while she was at it.

i guess only time will tell. right?

the procedure lasted only 10 minutes, as opposed to an hour last time, and after about 45 minutes (only because of the set-up and prep time) from the time they wheeled me and my bed away- not only from my room, but also from my dear john, who would be waiting for me when i returned - they were wheeling me back in.

and i was completely with it this time.

no desperate pleas to remove jewelry (didn't have any on, but still).

no throwing up, no headaches, or swollen ankles...

no thoughts of death.

just smiles and laughs...yep, that guy still had me in stiches (literally);

and the only recovery i had to do there at the hospital, was to to simply

wait,

and wait,

and wait,

to get the feeling back in my legs.

and i thought an epidural was bad. this spinal blockage thing was one of the weirdest sensations i have ever felt. it took two hours for me to be able to even slightly move one toe,

and four hours to have barely enough feeling, (with john's help) to get up and use the restroom. my legs looked just like ariel's from the little mermaid when she tries to take her first steps with her real human legs.

john and i were laughing pretty hard.

we got to see baby on ultrasound twice, which was a huge added bonus, once before surgery, and once afterwards (just to make sure he or she made it through the whole ordeal ok).

i knew we'd both pull through with flying colors.

before i left, my dr. told me that she wasn't as strict as some of her other PPA (phoenix perinatal associates...there are about 25 in all) partners.

she said, and these are her exact words...i'll let you shower, get up to use the restroom when you need to, and move to the couch if you'd like.

good heavens, i thought, and that's not strict? what do some of the other partners allow, or restrict, i wonder?

no getting out of bed for any reason, whatsoever, sponge baths when needed, and catheters and bedpans only?

oh but wait, that's how it was for me with isaac for 9 days straight.

plus i was pretty much upside down.

if you're ever up for a fun challenge, try lying down, (but make sure your head is much lower than the rest of you body, and that your abdomen and legs are extremely elevated), then with a bedpan underneath you, and i forgot to mention you have to be totally constipated, try going #2 in the bed pan...and here's the real catch, you can't push. under any circumstances, or your baby will most likely go flying across the room.

yeah that time on bed rest in the hospital with isaac, had to be the darkest and worst of all.

so i won't complain.

at least i can actually walk to the restroom when i feel the urge, and even push if i have to - thanks to these lovely, newly-placed, cervical stitches i now have.

i can take a shower, and wash my own hair.

and i can walk straight and tall, with nice posture, and not feel any pain.

i haven't bled at all, and i have very minimal cramping - nothing an ibuprofen or two can't remedy.

i haven't thrown up once since the surgery,

and the blessings and tender mercies go on...

and on...

and on.

so although it may be boring, having to be down, i have to remind myself that it could be a lot lot- a heck of a lot- worse. because it has in the past, twice before...

and hey, at least this time i can move to the couch if i want to.

and that's a huge added bonus...wouldn't you agree?

he's big enough

about a month ago, i decided that for my own sanity, as well as for asher's benefit, i should to get him into some sort of preschool class...just a couple of days a week, you know, to give me a chance to recharge (a little break, if you will), and allow him the opportunity to learn some basics. i thought it would be nice for him to be able to identify his colors, numbers, letters, etc., to learn to follow simple instructions and directions, to discover his creative side, and also just to acquire some social skills - which would allow him the chance to interact, and have fun with his peers.

it was a brilliant idea, but just one thing was lacking...asher was not potty trained...nor was he anywhere close. he has the type of personality that can't be pushed or easily persuaded to do anything he does not want to do. he will not be told what to do. he does what he wants, when he wants, and in his own asher style. i had been told that you shouldn't try to potty train a child before they're ready - meaning before they've started expressing some sort of interest. well, at the rate we were going, asher would have been in diapers til he was five...i just know it. the kid was perfectly content pooping in his diaper, and then letting that poop squish, and smash, and smear all over his buttocks without a single complaint. didn't bother him in the least. he could play all day with wet saggy buns, and never once told me if he needed to go, and never once told me that he had gone. (well, ok, once...but i don' really count it. about 6 months ago we were in the middle of shopping at michael's, when he told me he had to poo, and that he wanted to go in the potty. this was the first i had heard anything like that, but wanted wholeheartedly to take him seriously. i rushed him to the bathroom, pulled down his shorts, removed his diaper, and plopped him on the toilet. and he pooped. just. like. that. but that never happened again. it was a total fluke. total fluke. he wasn't even excited that he had done it. it didn't even phase him...even though i was jumping up and down and clapping like a lunatic in the middle of the dirty, smelly, michael's restroom...asher couldn't have cared less. i knew then and there that he was not ready.)

i contacted my friend who teaches preschool here in the neighborhood, (ruby took from her, and loved her. she's amazing), and asked if she had any openings. she said yes, and that school would be starting in just over a month.
wanting so badly for this preschool thing to work out, i decided to take matters into my own hands. the minute i put my phone down from texting miss stacey, i pulled asher's diaper right out from under him...absolutely no warning whatsoever. he didn't even know what had hit him. we were going to do it, and we were doing it commando style. i simply explained to him that he wasn't a baby anymore, and that it was about time he learned how to use the restroom in a dignified and civilized manner like the rest of us (and i'm sure i used that exact wording, too. ha.) anyway, from there on out, asher became a man. he started pooping and peeing on the potty like it was nobody's business. he didn't even tell me when he needed to go, he would just come and find me, and take my hand, and lead me all excitedly to the bathroom so that i could see the surprise (whether poo or pee) that he had left in the toilet. all by himself. it was crazy how ready he was, and how extremely well he did right from the start...as long as he was nude, that is. for the first little bit, if he had anything on at all...a diaper...a pull-up, even a pair of his favorite thomas the train underwear (that he picked out all by himself), he was sure to have an accident. so i just reenforced the whole going commando thing, and he did awesome! except for the day a little poo pebble fell out of his buns and onto the carpet. i raced him to the toilet so he could finish his business, and when i went back to clean up the pebble, it was gone. dix-d ran away from the scene, smacking his lips together like he had just been given his very own pork chop. gross dog. that was asher's one and only accident on the carpet. one day though, he did something rather unusual (everyone is entitled to an off day, right?) he grabbed a rag, and pooped in it. i was so mad. just when i got it all cleaned up, he grabbed another rag and pooped in it. he did that three times in one morning, and blamed it on dix-d all three times. i couldn't even believe it. it was like for a day or two, he was afraid to go number two in the pot, and then i got him his own little jar of mini candy bars, and told him that each time he dropped his own baby ruth in the toilet (if you know what i mean), he would get a real one to eat. he loved that idea, and has never pooped in a rag again, or in his thomas undies, or in a pull-up. in fact, he doesn't even pee in his pull-ups anymore. when he gets up from naps and bed time, they are completely dry almost every single time.

i really thought this process would be so much harder than it was. it just goes to show that my little asher is bigger, older, and smarter than i thought he was, which makes me sad in a lot of ways.

it's been over a month now, and i'm proud to say that he did it!

he can now poop and pee in a dignified and civilized manner...just like the rest of us.

and now i'm just hoping there's still an opening in that preschool.

if he's big enough to poo in the pot,

than he's big enough for school, is he not?

love notes

well she made it! ruby survived her first week of school...(it was actually her first three days, since she began mid-week.)she did great, and loved it, and was excited to wake up each morning and begin a new day.that's always a good sign. a mother's dream, isn't it? that the first week goes off without a hitch?
the above picture was taken on the 2nd day of school. she was very proud of the fact that she had picked out her outfit all on her own, and even fixed her hair without her mother's assistance. i couldn't have been more proud myself, actually. i thought she ended up looking adorable.
thursday was P.E. day, so she wasn't thrilled about having to wear a pair of keds. do i really have to wear these, mom? they are going to smudge my pedicure. i had to laugh at that comment, not because her statement didn't have any truth to it, but simply because my girl, is such a girl.she did have a very valid point.

i was hard pressed to get her to go into much detail about each day's events. i felt like i was playing 20 questions...but getting nowhere.she would only ever respond with very vague, very short answers. i was able to gather, however, that rest time is really boring; and also, each day when i asked her what her very favorite part of the day was, she always replied with, the special note you gave me on my napkin. not music time, or P.E., or recess, or playing with her friends, or eating lunch...oh no, it was the napkin that was left inside of her lunch. i had no idea that something so simple would mean so much to her; and in fact, would be the highlight of her day.
on thursday, after i picked up carpool, and had taken all the other kids home; ruby, in a panic, screamed, mom, i left my lunch box at school! i assured her that it was no big deal, that it would be kept safe, that it would still be there in the morning- in the exact spot she had left it- and that she could grab it and bring it home the following day. in the meantime, i told her, she could take a sack lunch to school. she was frantic, and panicked, and completely adamant. NO MOM! we have to turn around now and go back to the school.i need my lunchbox because it has my special letter from you inside. that about did me in...my sweet little sentimental ruby. so without hesitation, we quickly flipped a U, raced back to school, ran down the hall to her classroom, and grabbed the lunchbox. first thing she did when she had it in her hands? well, she opened it, of course...just to be to sure that the chicken-scratched love note - etched on a folded up paper towel - was still there. and it was. and so far, she has saved all three of them, and keeps them in her
very own,
very special,
place.

little lemon

dear baby,

we've made it 14 weeks! that's something to celebrate, for sure. so i guess now you're the size of a lemon. which i think is strange because i've never seen a lemon that was bigger than a peach (week 13). i know that you're not getting any smaller though. here's proof. just take a look at this belly of mine.



if i look a little nervous in this photo, well, it's because i am. today's our big surgery day. it's the day the doctors are going to stitch mommy up good and tight so that you won't come any earlier than you're supposed to. that's what happened to our poor baby isaac. mommy's body thought he was ready to come, and her cervix was fully dilated at only five months. he was born just a couple of weeks later. this may all be a bit much for you right now, but it's not important that you understand everything just yet. what really matters, is that what is about to happen in just a little over two hours, is going to save your life...and make me the happiest mommy in the whole wide world. i'm feeling a lot of things right now. but mostly just nervous and sick. nervous because when i had this surgery with ruby, it was really hard on me...physically. i had to be down for two weeks afterwards. we're definitely hoping and praying for a quicker recovery this time around. especially because i have your brother and sister to care for. and sick, really sick, because our surgery isn't until 3:00, and they told me that i couldn't eat or drink anything for 8 hours prior. last time I had anything was at 7 this morning. Your daddy set his alarm for 6:30 to make me some oatmeal, a protein shake, and a nice cold bottle of water to drink. He is such a kind and tenderhearted man. you'll soon find out just how wonderful he truly is. I guess that's a bit off the subject, though. back to the sick part. i'm sick because, well, first of all, asking a pregnant lady to go without food for that long, especially in the middle of the day, is just asking for trouble. and you should never expect any arizonan - pregnant or not - in august, 112 degrees today mind you, to go 8 hours without water...that's just plain ludicrous (unless you're fasting, of course...then I think u get a little added strength from above). my mouth feels like cotton, my stomach is in knots, my nerves are off the charts...but you know what? it's worth it. i would go through any discomfort, any pain, any sickness, torment, fear, sadness, or anxiety...for you, and for your comfort and safety. and i mean that from the very depths of my heart. i wish you the best in surgery, my love. we're both going to need some prayers from above.

i love you my little lemon,

mom

1st day

the first day of anything, for me, has always been a bit nerve-racking. i've been that way my whole life. there's something about the unknown that just makes me feel uncomfortable, and nervous, and jittery...but also maybe deep down, way deep down, i sometimes feel a little excited too. yesterday was no different for me. the nerves, the discomfort, the sadness, and yes, a little bit of excitement. it was ruby's first day of school. real school. all day, every day, school. remember when i recently talked about walking my baby sister to kindergarten? well yesterday was the day i walked my own baby girl to kindergarten. although i did have some fears and reservations about the whole thing, i also felt happy, because you share in your children's joys, and, well, ruby was so excited for this day to arrive. she's been counting down for weeks. seeing her so happy, lessened some of my fears and worries. worries like, she will be gone for nearly 7 hours, 5 days a week, and she still takes naps with me at home everyday (because i'm a loser mom, and i just can't function if i don't get my daily pregnancy nap). so how will she not be falling asleep at her desk come 1:00 every day? other worries like (and maybe this is too much information) how will she wipe herself if she has to go number two? up until about 3 weeks ago, i have always helped her with this. we have been practicing a lot these days, though, and she gets a little treat every time she does it properly and gets herself clean. i sent a little travel pack of cottonelle flushables (thanks for the idea, brooke) with her in her backpack; and even let her pick out a really cute floral pencil case to keep them in so she wouldn't have to be embarrassed walking to the bathroom with a pack of wipes in her hand.

as i was packing her lunch yesterday, and putting her capri sun inside, it dawned on me, how will she open this on her own? juice boxes are easy, she can handle them just fine, but capri suns are floppy and the straw is almost impossible to insert unless you do it just right. why didn't i think of that when i was buying school lunch supplies? we practiced that morning, just moments before walking out the door for school, and went through about four drinks before we got it down to a science. i never realized all the things i do for her, that she'll now have to do on her own. i think that was what was getting to me the most. sure i'm going to miss her. sure i worry about whether she'll make new friends, and wonder if she'll put into practice all the good manners and life lessons that we've taught her. sure i worry and wonder if she will like her teacher, or (what i fear even more) will her teacher like her? will she be a quick learner? will she be able to keep up? will she have confidence? will she have the courage to be herself? when in compromising situations, will she have what it takes stand up for what she believes in? mostly i'm just scared, though, because this - kindergarten, school, being on her own - they all represent a new life for her. the beginning, but also the end of so many things. i feel like i'm sending her out into the great big world, and i'm just not sure how the great big world is going to treat her. that nice, tight, safe bubble i've been keeping her in for 5 years?...i feel like it just popped, and spit her out, and sent her on her way, and there wasn't a single thing i could do about it.

time never stops ticking. life never stops moving. and babies never stop growing up. that's what scares me and breaks my heart most of all....that my baby's not a baby anymore.
i'm happy that she'll still kiss me on the lips, though.

so excited, and also maybe a little worried about her first day, she's so much like her mother.


posing with mom and dad in front of the school, with her teacher, hanging up her backpack while she goes to play, and daddy walking her to go line up with her class.

so happy that her good friend and cousin, bennett, is in her same class! how fun is that? top left photo was taken after school with her cousins. looks like they all survived...with smiles on their faces even.


Ruby was EXHAUSTED by the end of the day, and actually fell asleep within minutes of our bed time routine (this never happens). asher was up for awhile crying for us to let him out of the room. we heard nothing for several minutes, and went in to find this. he had crawled into bed with his already sleeping sister. i love that my children are the best of friends. i hope nothing - not kindergarten, not friends, not the great big world - will ever, ever change that.