just a little white lie?...

Or a Deep. Dark. Chocolate one?

I baked a cake today. As soon as it was finished, I pulled it from the oven, and then placed it on the stove top to cool. I left the room, sifted through some unread emails, and returned 10 minutes later, to this...



"Ruby, come here!"
"Yes, mom?"
"Did you do this to my cake?"
"Ummmm...no mom, I didn't."
"Oh really? Are you sure about that?"
"Yep!"
"Come here, Ruby, let me check your mouth."
She opens wide and exposes a mouth and teeth...full of chocolate.
"Ruby, your teeth have chocolate in them. Did you get into mommy's cake?"
"No, mom. It was Asher."
"Then why is the chocolate only in your teeth, and not Asher's?"
"Ummm...because I ate something brown...But I didn't have any cake."
"Ruby, I'm not mad. I just want you to tell mom the truth. Hold my hands and look into mommy's eyes. Ruby, did you taste some of mommy's cake?"
"NO! I DIDN'T"
I leave the room, throwing my hands in the air.
A few minutes later she walks into the kitchen as I'm making dinner...and I completely catch her off guard.
"Ruby, was the chocolate cake yummy or gross?"
"It was so yummy, mom, can I have some more?"

Looks like it's about time to dust off (and put into practise, or course) those lessons in honesty at our home.

twinners...

It wasn't until we were actually out, and running our errands, that I noticed baby and I were dressed the same...

I am just amazed by the love I feel for this special little boy. For the longest time, starting even before he was born, I had been so consumed with trying to get pregnant, that I'm afraid I didn't allow myself to completely enjoy my circumstances, my blessings, and my life the way that I should have. Most recently though, I have taken a step back. Something miraculous has happened. A peace has entered my heart and soul...something that I haven't felt for some time now. I have begun to finally understand and embrace my weakness...my own nothingness. My life is in the hands of an All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Supreme Being, even God our Father. I know that He is mindful of little, insignificant me. His plan is perfect, His Love is unsurpassed, and His timing is impeccable. It's a beautiful blessing to be able to receive direction from him, and to then to be able to fully and completely submit my will to His. It's liberating to know that all we have to do is our small and simple part...and He will always take care of the rest. My heart no longer aches over my empty womb...rather, I feel liberated. I can honestly say, that I am finally at peace with my situation. I am in no hurry. My babies are still babies. And I love that I am now able to fully and completely love and enjoy this time with them...this time that will pass all too quickly...this time that will one day, be nothing more than a distant memory.

fall is in the air...

I think it's pretty safe to say that, Christmas aside, Halloween is my favorite. I love the decorations, and the goodies, and the colors, and the smells. I love to carve pumpkins and eat roasted seeds. I love hot apple cider, and autumn leaves,and the cool crisp halloween air (so maybe today's high of 60 is a bit too cool and crisp for me). The other night as we were out on our family walk, Ruby announced that she was "tired of Halloween and ready for Christmas". I couldn't believe my ears. Oh miss Ruby, you just wait, our Halloween fun...has only just begun...muahahahahahaha.

a sweet deal...for a sweet girl

They were selling old costumes at Ruby's dance studio for only 5 dollars a piece. None of them had ever been worn...just ordered, and for one reason or another, never used. I wish I would have stocked up...after it dawned on me that Ruby might actually LOVE to have some of these for "dress ups", they were pretty picked over. I did manage to grab a couple in her size, however. She calls them her Snow White and Belle dresses, and begs me to wear them every second of the day.

She is such a princess.

did you know...

that today is National Walk to School Day? Well lucky for Ruby, she gets to walk to school every day. In fact, one of the highlights of my day is bidding farewell to my husband and daughter before he walks her to school each morning. I stand at the front door and watch as they stroll, hand in hand, down the street and around the corner. Back and forth we take turns shouting "I love you", over and over...until finally, the two of them have disappeared from my view. Without exception, this is the precise moment in which a brief pang of despondency slices through my heart...

giddy...

it's the best word to describe my little girl now that she's finally in school. Last night we lay in bed taking about how today would be her very first day, and out of the blue she said, "mom, can you teach me how to fall asleep? I can't do it all by myself." I thought it was so cute that she was so excited for preschool...she couldn't even sleep.

when skies are grey...

Dear Mom,

Last night I was missing you so badly, it hurt. I cried. I cried a lot. It was the kind of cry where you cry so hard, you almost can't breathe. I'm sure you cried like that from time to time when you were here. I even wonder if you sometimes cry like that now...that you're not here. I'm sure it hurts you just as badly as it does us, that you can't be here, that you are no longer able to play an active role in our lives. I wonder if you realize, however, that through the life you lived, through the example you set, through the legacy you left behind, you still play an important, and active role in my life. So many decisions I make are governed by the very thought, "what would mom do in this situation?". As I lay there last night gushing great sobs of anguish, my sweet John held me in his arms, and assured me that you are still here. That you and our sweet Isaac are very aware of us...of me. That you're proud of me and of the life I'm conducting. That you know, and love, and absolutely adore your precious grandchildren. That your heart swells with pride as you watch them learn, and grow, and progress through mortality. I know that you're busy. I have no doubt that you are so busy about our Father's business; but I cling to the hope that John's gentle, sweet, and reassuring words are true. I hope that even though I can't see you, you are sometimes here. I wonder if you were there with me at Ruby's dance class today. It seems as if I could almost feel you right there with me. Did you see her movements, her expressions, her enthusiasm as she sang and danced to You are my Sunshine...the very song that you taught me when I was her age? To this day, when I hear that song, I still think of you...and how your light could brighten even the darkest, dreariest of skies. As I watched my other little sunshine dance and sing today, I silently cried and secretly wished, that maybe what I had been feeling was true. That maybe, just maybe, you were there watching. Did you see her? And if you did, isn't she the sweetest little sunshine you've ever seen?

I don't think this sometimes dark and overcast world...could ever have too much sunshine.

Thank you for being my very first ray of sunshine. You and your memory still light up my grey skies.

I love you.

-Nic

oh so difficult...

Yesterday, Ruby announced to me..."mom, my life is just so difficult".



I don't understand little one.

I'm still trying to figure out what,

in your three year old life,

could be so arduous and burdensome.

Trying to decide which princess dress to wear for the day?

Oh I know, decisions are the worst.

Having thousands of toys at your fingertips?

I understand, that must be pretty overwhelming.

How about having a mom who will drop everything to sit out in the sweltering heat and blow bubbles with you?



Poor, poor little princess...it must be really tough being in your shoes.

my inspiration...

John has served as the Elder's Quorum president in our ward for going on 2.5 years now. Throughout this period of time, I have witnessed him, first hand, give his whole heart and soul to this calling. He spends hours each week holding presidency meetings, visiting the Elders and their families, conducting PPI's, and attending other ward and stake meetings. He is passionate about what he does, and always gives more than is required or even expected. He loves the Elders in his quorum. He takes an avid interest in their undertakings and pursuits. He does his best to strengthen them in their weak moments. He prays for them...even pleads for their happiness and well-being. He does all of this, free of ulterior motives...solely and completely out of love. I have never met anyone as genuine and guileless as John. (He's going to kill me for this post. Good thing he hardly ever looks at the blog..haha).
Another goal he consistently strives to achieve, is for the quorum to be unified. It's his deepest desire for each individual to feel important. To feel loved. To be fellowshipped and friendshipped. In fact, he is constantly working his brain to come up with new and fun activities...activities that might serve in bringing unity and brotherhood to the Elders and their families. Everything from pot luck socials (we do lots of these), to video game parties, and dessert nights. We did horseback riding once, coupled with hot dogs and s'mores. A couple months back, we had a concert night where a few elders (possessing musical capability) were invited to take the stage and showcase their talents. He and his presidency try to plan some sort of activity or social almost every month...and they don't let their budget of $50 per year (yeah, I said 50 bucks), deter them from meeting this objective.
Most recently, we all went to a Diamondbacks game. Sixteen families (52 people) met up at the lightrail station which dropped off pretty close to the stadium. We all purchased inexpensive tickets (nosebleeds) in the same section, and enjoyed a fun summer evening baseball game together.

I'm grateful to my John for everything he teaches me. I watch him in his callings, I watch him in his profession, I see him as a father and husband; and I'm proud to say that I am rarely (if ever) disappointed with the choices he makes, or in the way he conducts his life. Through his example alone, I am inspired to do more in my church calling. I am inspired to be a better mother and a better wife. He makes me want to do more with my life, work harder at my endeavours, and find something good in everything...

My only hope is that someday, he'll be able to say the same about me.

Here are a few pics from our most recent activity to the Diamondbacks game...

Ruby asleep on the lightrail...on the way TO the game.

mister muscles...

Immediately following his birth, one of the first things I noticed about our new little Asher (who in fact was not all that little), was his strength. As the nurse carried him over to the scale, I was shocked to see that his little neck was strong enough to support his head as he gazed around the room. He rolled over for the first time when he was only a week old, and his legs have been strong enough to support his body from the very beginning (he's really wobbly, though, else he'd have been walking months ago). I can't count the number of comments I have heard with regards to his strength. From "oh, he's going to be a football player" (we've all heard that one) to "oh man, he reminds me of one of those circus strong man characters" (not such a common one), and everything in between...we've heard it all.

The other night as I walked in the door from mutual, I was surprised to find Asher clad in Ruby's white dance leggings (thanks to my niece, Karen). I was joking that he looked like a little gymnast; and thought, just for kicks, that I'd take him over to the pull-up bar...never imagining that he would actually grab on to it, and then be able to hang from it for more than 10 seconds. I was so proud.

meet nephew...

This is my newest nephew, Dean Louis.



He is perfect in every way. Tiny (6lb 12oz at birth), and beautiful, with soft light brown hair, and smooth delicate skin...almost like velvet to the touch. And that smell. Nothing beats the sweet, fresh scent of a newborn babe. I feel so blessed to have been able to go to Utah - just a day after his birth - to see him, and hold him...to say hello, and then (too quickly) to have to say goodbye. Kim and Christian have since moved to Pearland, TX (a suburb of Houston) to study medicine at Baylor University. It makes me sad to think of the time that will pass before I get to see nephew again. By then he won't be so tiny, and new, and fresh, and delicate...



But I have no doubt he'll still be beautiful...and perfect in every way.