I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. While I lay in bed, thoughts of four years ago raced through my head. Four years ago, when our baby, Isaac, entered our world; and then left as quickly as he had come. I thought about the feelings that accompanied our loss. I was reminded of the dark and sleepless night in which I clenched his lifeless body in my arms. I remembered feeling like my life had come to a sudden halt. Like I had been backed into a corner, and had no way of getting out. I remembered feeling hopelessly sad; and also feeling like this incessant sadness would remain a constant in my life. Joy and happiness seemed so far-removed...things of the past. My thoughts wandered, as I lay in bed this morning, and I found myself imagining what my life might possibly be like if Isaac had lived, if Heavenly Father had granted us the thing that we had desired above all...which was to keep him with us - alive...to be his parents - now. In hindsight, I'm realizing that had he lived, life would have been extremely difficult. I imagine we would have spent many, many months in the NICU. I'm sure he would have needed several surgeries. He would have had developmental delays and setbacks throughout his life. I imagine he would always be small and fragile. Although, I would have taken any of that just to have had the opportunity of holding him, and loving him, and raising him; I also understand that none of that was in the Lord's plan for our family. (Plus if Isaac had lived, we wouldn't have gotten our Ruby...at least when we did; and I almost can't even bear that thought.) So, although I realize that it was never meant to be, I still think about my precious firstborn. There are still days and moments when I find myself crying, even sobbing, for him. Sometimes crying to hold him again, other times crying because I never knew him; and still, at times, crying because I miss him so much. How grateful I am for the knowledge that he is there...somewhere. And that, wherever that somewhere is, he is there - thinking of me, praying for me, rooting for me, waiting for me. I cling to the hope that we will be reunited someday...that I will be given a second chance to raise him, to hold him, to love him, to clench him in my arms once again, and to - this time - actually be able to feel his heart beating against mine...
It's this knowledge that helps me through the really, really, sad days...like today.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thirty two years ago, today, when I was just 23 days old, my parents took me to the Salt Lake temple, where together we were sealed for time and all eternity. Although I have no recollection of the occasion, I know that it was one of the most important days of my life.
Just over five years ago, I entered the same sacred edifice, and was sealed to my eternal sweetheart. I have nothing but beautiful memories of that special experience; and I know it will always be one of the most important days of my life.
Just 4 days ago, my husband and I took our son to the very same temple, where he was bound to us forever. I'm still being carried by the emotions of the occasion, and know it will always be one of the most important days of my life.
Posted by nicole at 10:20 PM
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Little did I know that when they would hand me this perfect little being for the very first time, my heart would swell almost to the point of pain, my eyes would well with tears, and the love I would feel for my new little daughter would be intense and instantaneous.
Little did I know that this little angel would have the capability of enhancing, elevating, and beautifying, my already full and wonderful life.
Little did I know that the excitement elicited from her very first smile...
and her very first tooth...
and her very first baby step... ...would only intensify with her very first "Mama", and her very first "I love you", and the very first time she would pick a flower just for me.
Little did I know that this near stranger, this person who, for the first while - would be incapable of conversation, and almost completely helpless and dependant; in no time at all - would become one of my very best friends.
Little did I know how fast she would grow up - going from this...
to this... in just three short years.
Little did I know that these same three short years would be some of the most exciting - yet nerve-racking, wonderful - yet challenging, surprising, amazing, and rewarding years I would ever experience.
Happy 3rd Birthday, my love.
Posted by nicole at 11:34 AM